burning brightly ... i could see it from this far off.. the oil fields.. the burning oil fields.... the explosions of the tanks... almost felt like that was just 100mt from me... could feel the earth shake from the impact. don think anyone was hurt.. no one died.. or will die from this... not including the birds and bees... they will perish today and for days to come.. slowly falling from the sky choking while flying... afraid to step down.. all the fire eating everything in its path..
i am still standing here waiting for the next explosion.. there were 2 storage tanks..
i have been walking wondering why i have been burning these oil fields for so many weeks this time around .. its been hrs since the 2nd tank exploded... its been hrs since i have been walking in this ash filled desert.. eyes burning.. i don't have my lower eye lashes anymore.. the red rim eyes that scare me every time i look into the mirror..
the next site is about 20kms further will not make it there before night fall. no civilization haven't seen one in a few weeks. this job will be the death of me. why am i burning these oil fields ... why.. no one has seen in the need for these ever since i remember these fields were being exploded. its been 4 years since i joined the trade. a very poor profession. but then again.. there are no profession. this is the only work that would have taken me out of that sad place..
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tonight
and a bottle of wine....
never been so bored and bugged before... and another lie said ... done
moving on to other things to do...u wonder too much.. and do little ...
more dots and less dashed...
random.
tomorrow I'll be gone... i heard this and thought ain't happening to me..
still waiting for u to save... i can see u at the other end of the table.
your my Thrill.....
never been so bored and bugged before... and another lie said ... done
moving on to other things to do...u wonder too much.. and do little ...
more dots and less dashed...
random.
tomorrow I'll be gone... i heard this and thought ain't happening to me..
still waiting for u to save... i can see u at the other end of the table.
your my Thrill.....
SPECK
the speck of dust on the window sill....
the insignificant few fight over the remains..
fire burning searing my heart... the foolishness of it all..
sticking on this sill i wonder when my end will come..
the insignificant few fight over the remains..
fire burning searing my heart... the foolishness of it all..
sticking on this sill i wonder when my end will come..
Something in the way
I don't want anything that u can give me... i have been here long enough to know that i will regret taking anything from u. of all that i have seen in this life.. all the hatred that i experienced i cannot believe there exists something so vile that it can create any other emotion in me other than rage.. fear fear.. that i will be sucked into this endless nightmare... i can feel they way your bending everything around u.. the way i lost my self for a second... the way i lost my rage and shed a tear for the fear that i will be part of everything that u are...
4 Months
Being trying really hard.. that's a lie i hate being in this situation... the fucker is staring at me.. so like i was saying earlier.. been feeling inefficient again.. been like this for a long time now.. where does one go from here. And its cold when i think about how different things could have been. if only i had made smarter decisions.. instead of .. like a kid jumping from one idea to another.. been meaning to set things right for a long time didn't think it would be this way.. been jumping at my own shadows lately.. Blur.. speeding away wondering where i am going..
A miracle i tell u.. whats a miracle u wonder well none of your business.. rave rant.. yeas rant.. don't fake it anymore.. all the misery in the world the lazy life i live in.. all is meant to evolve. sore as ever don't know what to do. so go way from me. wondering what driving this world around..
Fulfilment of the motherhood dream.. why of all things should it be assumed that the motherhood freak dream is what all aim for.. that its the only important thing to anyone..
there are people on this world who would rather spend time with the one they love and learn to love with them. There are people who are never ready to take responsibility of taking care of another individual while giving up ones freedom to remain a kid..
To talk about other things.. the other day i had seen a dead body on the road.. fascinated by the blank stare.. didn't feel anything as such.. it didn't move me in anyway particular way it didn't mean anything..
the suffocating feeling that i get in every flight.. the feeling of being one with the people i rather not have anything to do with.. such intimacy... snoring and sleeping.. burping ad farting..i hate the word farting... i feel disgusting every time i hear it. why is that i wonder.. for its a natural process.. there are sometimes i don't have an issue and is easy to ignore.. but why is it so hard some other times.. i am on a permanent spell check...
random..
Random thought of a person who has nothing to obsess about.
On my way back let see how things are so far so good..
A miracle i tell u.. whats a miracle u wonder well none of your business.. rave rant.. yeas rant.. don't fake it anymore.. all the misery in the world the lazy life i live in.. all is meant to evolve. sore as ever don't know what to do. so go way from me. wondering what driving this world around..
Fulfilment of the motherhood dream.. why of all things should it be assumed that the motherhood freak dream is what all aim for.. that its the only important thing to anyone..
there are people on this world who would rather spend time with the one they love and learn to love with them. There are people who are never ready to take responsibility of taking care of another individual while giving up ones freedom to remain a kid..
To talk about other things.. the other day i had seen a dead body on the road.. fascinated by the blank stare.. didn't feel anything as such.. it didn't move me in anyway particular way it didn't mean anything..
the suffocating feeling that i get in every flight.. the feeling of being one with the people i rather not have anything to do with.. such intimacy... snoring and sleeping.. burping ad farting..i hate the word farting... i feel disgusting every time i hear it. why is that i wonder.. for its a natural process.. there are sometimes i don't have an issue and is easy to ignore.. but why is it so hard some other times.. i am on a permanent spell check...
random..
Random thought of a person who has nothing to obsess about.
On my way back let see how things are so far so good..
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Saw u, Heard u... Dont wanna no more...
Saw u, Heard u... Don't wanna no more...
i heard u... sitting there in front of me...
i saw u sitting there in front of me...
saying everything i dreamt to ever hear... never prepared... never knowing...
sitting here... i don't anymore... they don't mean anything anymore...
thinking that i need to survive this again... i scream...
there is no need for this because i don't want it anymore..
i heard this ... i heard that...u looked and i felt...
maybe.. maybe... sad as ever....
u hid behind the word...
hid behind something i never needed...Marriage..
the believer.. in the sad pathetic fool... who has no clue..
i claim.. this i claim that... turns out there is nothing different between you and the rest of them..
dirtydick... a bad idea as ever...
another bad and sad day...
ha ha... over and over...
doesn't matter anyway... next month... u will remain just another scar..nothing more... just another...
will remember when the next homeless person speaks in tongues...
and will remember my 950 bucks.... keep the change and thank u for your services... i dont need u anymore..
i heard u... sitting there in front of me...
i saw u sitting there in front of me...
saying everything i dreamt to ever hear... never prepared... never knowing...
sitting here... i don't anymore... they don't mean anything anymore...
thinking that i need to survive this again... i scream...
there is no need for this because i don't want it anymore..
i heard this ... i heard that...u looked and i felt...
maybe.. maybe... sad as ever....
u hid behind the word...
hid behind something i never needed...Marriage..
the believer.. in the sad pathetic fool... who has no clue..
i claim.. this i claim that... turns out there is nothing different between you and the rest of them..
dirtydick... a bad idea as ever...
another bad and sad day...
ha ha... over and over...
doesn't matter anyway... next month... u will remain just another scar..nothing more... just another...
will remember when the next homeless person speaks in tongues...
and will remember my 950 bucks.... keep the change and thank u for your services... i dont need u anymore..
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Lost it
"i am listening to all that is being said about this and that...
the euphoria of it all.. the discussions... the groups.. the dialogue....
i just want to shut it all... the sound. the noise... scream... the sound... i want silence... "
That's the last thing i heard him say before he jumped of the building... that was the first time i ever saw him lose it...
Always figured he was the most grounded person i know. Its still shocking that this happened. i understand that things can get hard for everyone and they lose it. But we are talking about bobby here. He would have been the last person in this world to be affected by anything. he could see anything and not be affected. Then why did he want everyone to shut up that day. why the sound.. why did he lose it.
She was walking out on the road that day. Happy about the work she had accomplished today. The reports that she made today is gonna make some splash with the senior management tomorrow. That aside, she is going shopping today wit here friends yippee....
That's when she heard the bus screech... u have to be kidding she thought... before the bus rolled over her...
"WOW" is what Mat thought sitting in the restaurant opposite from where the bus rolled over her...
his head hurt a little from the sound of the bus rolling down the road.. and the scream of the people in the bus
and on the street... this isn't the first time Mat had witnessed and accident. This will not be the last time...
the euphoria of it all.. the discussions... the groups.. the dialogue....
i just want to shut it all... the sound. the noise... scream... the sound... i want silence... "
That's the last thing i heard him say before he jumped of the building... that was the first time i ever saw him lose it...
Always figured he was the most grounded person i know. Its still shocking that this happened. i understand that things can get hard for everyone and they lose it. But we are talking about bobby here. He would have been the last person in this world to be affected by anything. he could see anything and not be affected. Then why did he want everyone to shut up that day. why the sound.. why did he lose it.
She was walking out on the road that day. Happy about the work she had accomplished today. The reports that she made today is gonna make some splash with the senior management tomorrow. That aside, she is going shopping today wit here friends yippee....
That's when she heard the bus screech... u have to be kidding she thought... before the bus rolled over her...
"WOW" is what Mat thought sitting in the restaurant opposite from where the bus rolled over her...
his head hurt a little from the sound of the bus rolling down the road.. and the scream of the people in the bus
and on the street... this isn't the first time Mat had witnessed and accident. This will not be the last time...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Emotions
Cheers for all the good things to come..
dreaming what ever i want...
to say that.. i like whats happening...
Happiness ha ha .. glad to be here
never been here before... the airhead... and his emotional fluctuations...
Laughter and joy....
Confusion and hatred...
spreading all over i wonder when will they change..
but expecting it i wonder if its ever possible... not sadness but
anger overwhelms me.... to understand the need for this approval
that all of us long for i sit here thinking...
... anger... hatred.. mixing and multiplying they seem never ending..
the hoax that we are believed... ha ha ha.. cant stop laughing
its sad to think that there can we words like that exchanged between people....
there is nothing else to be said... for all that needs to be said has been shared...
there is nothing new that this world is offering....
dreaming what ever i want...
to say that.. i like whats happening...
Happiness ha ha .. glad to be here
never been here before... the airhead... and his emotional fluctuations...
Laughter and joy....
Confusion and hatred...
spreading all over i wonder when will they change..
but expecting it i wonder if its ever possible... not sadness but
anger overwhelms me.... to understand the need for this approval
that all of us long for i sit here thinking...
... anger... hatred.. mixing and multiplying they seem never ending..
the hoax that we are believed... ha ha ha.. cant stop laughing
its sad to think that there can we words like that exchanged between people....
there is nothing else to be said... for all that needs to be said has been shared...
there is nothing new that this world is offering....
Monday, June 29, 2009
BURN
Face flat on the table.. i wonder what i am looking at..... head throbbing i wonder what i have been up to... all day
with no memory.. i don't wanna remember anything....
facing you i wonder what i was thinking... the little heart burns that shouldn't matter now they seem to... sleeping
with my eyes opened.. my mind closed i will never force my thoughts... open i am not to you...
random as before i ramble on... living life assuming control... but never conscious of the lack of it... am here for
you... been in my thoughts ....
off vocal songs playing in my head....
let it remain incomplete... haven't understood this yet...
with no memory.. i don't wanna remember anything....
facing you i wonder what i was thinking... the little heart burns that shouldn't matter now they seem to... sleeping
with my eyes opened.. my mind closed i will never force my thoughts... open i am not to you...
random as before i ramble on... living life assuming control... but never conscious of the lack of it... am here for
you... been in my thoughts ....
off vocal songs playing in my head....
let it remain incomplete... haven't understood this yet...
Monday, June 15, 2009
Randomness
There will always be a loving family... never incomplete but different...do you want that responsibility, i don't know there is no second chances in this is there...
Freak out... walking down the street.... breaking the law.. anger and impatience... the lies that i lived with...
Angry.. angry..... i loath this.... walking down the street breaking the law.... burn...
violence... move ... don't stay still.... stamp.. stamp.... scream... scream....
angry.... swing... aiming for the star... you can destroy the world.. today...
wipe the slate clean.... nothing left to write...
hopping hopping... say it again....say it again... i wanna laugh now....
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... i am dieing.... ha ha ha ah ah ah....
where is my guitar.... smash it... i wanna hear it ... smash it... i wanna hear it.... beat the world with it..
where is my morning rainbow.... erase this morning ....
pause pause pause, ready for another day. the winter doesn't seem to end.
waiting for you to hear me scream. do it now. burn the world.
Faster and faster, i am here to save you. Ha
the cold ground is shaking below my feet, running over me will not change that.
Can you see the light, the hybrid rainbow the pillow is talking about. References.
can you feel it.
i need to call them tomorrow... for they have what you want.
i was at a funny funeral the other day after the depressing wedding. thought of you and cried. you weren't there to hear me say the words.
Freak out... walking down the street.... breaking the law.. anger and impatience... the lies that i lived with...
Angry.. angry..... i loath this.... walking down the street breaking the law.... burn...
violence... move ... don't stay still.... stamp.. stamp.... scream... scream....
angry.... swing... aiming for the star... you can destroy the world.. today...
wipe the slate clean.... nothing left to write...
hopping hopping... say it again....say it again... i wanna laugh now....
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... i am dieing.... ha ha ha ah ah ah....
where is my guitar.... smash it... i wanna hear it ... smash it... i wanna hear it.... beat the world with it..
where is my morning rainbow.... erase this morning ....
pause pause pause, ready for another day. the winter doesn't seem to end.
waiting for you to hear me scream. do it now. burn the world.
Faster and faster, i am here to save you. Ha
the cold ground is shaking below my feet, running over me will not change that.
Can you see the light, the hybrid rainbow the pillow is talking about. References.
can you feel it.
i need to call them tomorrow... for they have what you want.
i was at a funny funeral the other day after the depressing wedding. thought of you and cried. you weren't there to hear me say the words.
Of no fixed direction or purpose
been a long time.... people are passing by getting older... so am i...
jumping here in one spot in Aug 1983... i think why am i here now.... something to fall back on...
something to ponder about.. i don't usually think of anything substantial... something that can be the answer or led to a question..
reminding me of the old times...
heard about everything that has happened these past few months... didn't want to be judged so didn't say a word..
missing something...
took things too seriously... not so serious....
watched something... moving on now...
Canti sama what should i do???
feel like holding on to the ledge with a finger...... i want to let go... whats happening
uncomfortable.... threatening me .... smashing it all.....
inertia... cant move from here... he wants to document this.... i want to too...
jumping here in one spot in Aug 1983... i think why am i here now.... something to fall back on...
something to ponder about.. i don't usually think of anything substantial... something that can be the answer or led to a question..
reminding me of the old times...
heard about everything that has happened these past few months... didn't want to be judged so didn't say a word..
missing something...
took things too seriously... not so serious....
watched something... moving on now...
Canti sama what should i do???
feel like holding on to the ledge with a finger...... i want to let go... whats happening
uncomfortable.... threatening me .... smashing it all.....
inertia... cant move from here... he wants to document this.... i want to too...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Meadow
there was a plain...
rolling in the grass... the wind blew in hard... as the storm clouds got closer
tumbling down the smooth grass..... laughing in joy lost in happiness....
getting colder by the minute... the open spaces.... filling me with warm feeling.... laughing i couldn't stop.....
the first drops of rain began to fall.... screaming with childish happiness.... i ran indoor..... wanna play outside but the rain was getting stronger as lightning struck the tree outside.... the world in yellow....
i am shaking with fear.....
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
an afternoon....in the shade
Hammer sounding loud ... beating it... louder and louder the sound traveling through the empty rooms...
the echos drowning all thought out of my head.. why why why why why....
walking on the railing... watching them work below him.... listening to spider learn to love..... no one here will help me now... they cant..
the sound of kids running on the roof... the roof will fall yells the grandma.... drowning in the well... look at the world from under the water... so far so small... happy i cant see your face...
the depths attracts me.. as the pressure crushes me ... my eye red... i look in for help....
Climbing up... shaking the leaves down... my companion color blind... we climb to see the edge of our little world....
as stones pursue our paths... ignoring them... i see the end of this little world under me... the fruit of it around me..
the wind silences everything... me you the world...
the echos drowning all thought out of my head.. why why why why why....
walking on the railing... watching them work below him.... listening to spider learn to love..... no one here will help me now... they cant..
the sound of kids running on the roof... the roof will fall yells the grandma.... drowning in the well... look at the world from under the water... so far so small... happy i cant see your face...
the depths attracts me.. as the pressure crushes me ... my eye red... i look in for help....
Climbing up... shaking the leaves down... my companion color blind... we climb to see the edge of our little world....
as stones pursue our paths... ignoring them... i see the end of this little world under me... the fruit of it around me..
the wind silences everything... me you the world...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
John (can't seem to complete anything...)
I need
Looking into these dark pools i wonder what is this that we long for....
Disturbing this feeling of being incomplete..... The easy discomfort over the unknown future....
John was never one of those people who was interested in these discussions... the trivial nature of it all he could never understand them.... never seems to understand the obsession that people had in fear love jealousy these were emotions that was beyond his understanding.... these emotions were not required for existence or for survival...
In fact by the evidence that he has come across his life they make life much harder than it need to be....
Thinking this he was walking down the street with cars zipping by him at 120 kmh .... he doesn’t travel by vehicle.... his parents think this has something to do with the his motion sickness.... but it has nothing to do with that... urge to jump out of a moving vehicle is uncontrollable.... his parents always believed that he tries to climb out of a vehicle so that he can puke or.. get some air so that he doesn’t puke... its not that he is suicidal by nature or depressed as by now you should have figured it out he is not emotional in anyway to be depressed by anything as such... this is the only irrational or impulsive act that he does.. He hasn’t figured the reason behind this yet... but this will be revealed in due course he is sure of that... the feeling is almost romantic... like the touch of a man soft and tender right behind his ear...
It takes hold of him... it beats him on the wall... rolls on the ground..... Feels the world exploding inside him...
Looking into these dark pools i wonder what is this that we long for....
Disturbing this feeling of being incomplete..... The easy discomfort over the unknown future....
John was never one of those people who was interested in these discussions... the trivial nature of it all he could never understand them.... never seems to understand the obsession that people had in fear love jealousy these were emotions that was beyond his understanding.... these emotions were not required for existence or for survival...
In fact by the evidence that he has come across his life they make life much harder than it need to be....
Thinking this he was walking down the street with cars zipping by him at 120 kmh .... he doesn’t travel by vehicle.... his parents think this has something to do with the his motion sickness.... but it has nothing to do with that... urge to jump out of a moving vehicle is uncontrollable.... his parents always believed that he tries to climb out of a vehicle so that he can puke or.. get some air so that he doesn’t puke... its not that he is suicidal by nature or depressed as by now you should have figured it out he is not emotional in anyway to be depressed by anything as such... this is the only irrational or impulsive act that he does.. He hasn’t figured the reason behind this yet... but this will be revealed in due course he is sure of that... the feeling is almost romantic... like the touch of a man soft and tender right behind his ear...
It takes hold of him... it beats him on the wall... rolls on the ground..... Feels the world exploding inside him...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tastes like fear
whats that smell.... tastes like fear, sorrow....
thank you for love... Smear it all around love
thank you... cant take it anymore.... hovering over me and you i wonder..
Smelling the fragrances that you bring in here..... it might be over
before i realize the fear takes hold of me...
gunning it all... the bullet holes bleeding...
why is the wall crying i ask..... red the color of tears
loosing the fire within... lost while my dreams were still young...
the assembly line of my heart with its heartless machine....
the soulless dolls working... dreaming for the happiness lost in all my effort...
can feel the urge to gather all of my life and run... escape my fate....
the empty cabin were i look at whats happened to my dream.....
the taste of fear in my mouth reminds me to keep running.... this is not for me....
Searching for the words.... the cure for this loss
never knew whats happening out there... i am so elated
the fear knocks me out of my senses.... need the cure
screaming i can hear all of it... clearly as rain... the pain...
trying to wash the taste away .... i am taking in my pharmacy...
the bubbles in my hand.... the slowness of it all doesn't seem to change the feeling...
rolling down the steps ... bouncing bouncing.... the taste changes why am i crying.. i ask my self.... but cant think of anything now....
let the good times roll.... with the taste of fear....
thank you for love... Smear it all around love
thank you... cant take it anymore.... hovering over me and you i wonder..
Smelling the fragrances that you bring in here..... it might be over
before i realize the fear takes hold of me...
gunning it all... the bullet holes bleeding...
why is the wall crying i ask..... red the color of tears
loosing the fire within... lost while my dreams were still young...
the assembly line of my heart with its heartless machine....
the soulless dolls working... dreaming for the happiness lost in all my effort...
can feel the urge to gather all of my life and run... escape my fate....
the empty cabin were i look at whats happened to my dream.....
the taste of fear in my mouth reminds me to keep running.... this is not for me....
Searching for the words.... the cure for this loss
never knew whats happening out there... i am so elated
the fear knocks me out of my senses.... need the cure
screaming i can hear all of it... clearly as rain... the pain...
trying to wash the taste away .... i am taking in my pharmacy...
the bubbles in my hand.... the slowness of it all doesn't seem to change the feeling...
rolling down the steps ... bouncing bouncing.... the taste changes why am i crying.. i ask my self.... but cant think of anything now....
let the good times roll.... with the taste of fear....
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Flowers
To say that I want you is not the right thing to do... so i said that I want you….
Crap the world is dying around me…. The flowers withering away, why is this the only reason we are here. I don't want to wait for this. Leave now. I am leaving this thing i wanted so badly. I was wrong, i never wanted you, the idea was good but i don't want you. The flowers are what matters to you. They are dying now. I am leaving you. Ha ha ha i i i i i i i.....
It smells good today.
Crap the world is dying around me…. The flowers withering away, why is this the only reason we are here. I don't want to wait for this. Leave now. I am leaving this thing i wanted so badly. I was wrong, i never wanted you, the idea was good but i don't want you. The flowers are what matters to you. They are dying now. I am leaving you. Ha ha ha i i i i i i i.....
It smells good today.
Sigh
Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh...........
Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh.........
All is lost........
all shall fail....... fail......... tired repetitive.......... Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh
i am too tired..... i am reprogramming them.......
programme me....... death is the solution.... Sigh Death
Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh.........
All is lost........
all shall fail....... fail......... tired repetitive.......... Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh
i am too tired..... i am reprogramming them.......
programme me....... death is the solution.... Sigh Death
Monday, May 11, 2009
On a tight rope.....SNAP SNAP....
they have tried to make it sound like a continuous album.... with the fade in and fade out....
the lyrics is interesting... but i suppose... don't know... i am not getting the emotion here..... the reason for what the characters feel. how would you extrapolate these emotions out to the characters.........
i don't mind the unlimited connections that they pay for..... wish it was faster but that's the only thing that i can use now..... cant do much now can i.........
what do i do.... i feel lost as usual...... am in limbo out there and its because of the choices i made as usual..... not worrying things can be really bad sometimes..... but i wont fuck up.... but the list ... the rumors of the list its unbelievable...... i need help.. from my self...
Poor bastard pouring his heart out
my brain seems to be shutting down... now you know the pressure she was in for months.... and there is nothing that she could have done that time about all of this.... but in my case action action is what required.... all they are waiting for is action so get the fuck up and move on.....
there are no monsters in this world... its only you... your the monster.... the scary monster....
the violence.... the headache.... the mind..... the thought.... crash it all down... fear and loathing.....
the usual promises..the failure... you disappoint me as usual.... kill joy... i like that... i am one... to who is the question...
what are you laughing at..... hiding myself.... i don't want him to see me... i have made everything awkward in my head... i cant change anything now in me....... it too late for me... lost in space... waiting for my miracle...
the real problems are not what you are thinking about but its all this.....
the ending of peacemaker felt like i was 16.....
Nuclear winter..... hmmm... i wont make it.... i am not meant to survive this.... pleasant thought... it relaxes me....
surviving is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.........
so much to explain... what is the definition....
fade in fade out again.........
Snap Snap....
the lyrics is interesting... but i suppose... don't know... i am not getting the emotion here..... the reason for what the characters feel. how would you extrapolate these emotions out to the characters.........
i don't mind the unlimited connections that they pay for..... wish it was faster but that's the only thing that i can use now..... cant do much now can i.........
what do i do.... i feel lost as usual...... am in limbo out there and its because of the choices i made as usual..... not worrying things can be really bad sometimes..... but i wont fuck up.... but the list ... the rumors of the list its unbelievable...... i need help.. from my self...
Poor bastard pouring his heart out
my brain seems to be shutting down... now you know the pressure she was in for months.... and there is nothing that she could have done that time about all of this.... but in my case action action is what required.... all they are waiting for is action so get the fuck up and move on.....
there are no monsters in this world... its only you... your the monster.... the scary monster....
the violence.... the headache.... the mind..... the thought.... crash it all down... fear and loathing.....
the usual promises..the failure... you disappoint me as usual.... kill joy... i like that... i am one... to who is the question...
what are you laughing at..... hiding myself.... i don't want him to see me... i have made everything awkward in my head... i cant change anything now in me....... it too late for me... lost in space... waiting for my miracle...
the real problems are not what you are thinking about but its all this.....
the ending of peacemaker felt like i was 16.....
Nuclear winter..... hmmm... i wont make it.... i am not meant to survive this.... pleasant thought... it relaxes me....
surviving is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.........
so much to explain... what is the definition....
fade in fade out again.........
Snap Snap....
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Swords... (incomplete)
Carrying the sword he ran through the forest.... the pain didn’t seem to reduce... the fear ate way what he felt right now... the eyes that created the fear in him is what will kill him.... this feeling suffocated him....breathing became hard....
Running through the forest for over an hour… he sat down to take a breath… can’t remember when this all began… feels like it was only few hour back that he was sharpening his sword for the practice session… his first ever sword lesson… but that was 10 years ago… the memories that should have formed in these 10 years seems unimportant and therefore not restored in my mind….
The man with the mark on his finger… like a vertical black line across the nail of his middle finger… where could he have gotten that… what does that mean… his victims were always cut in two half... vertically... that is not what scares me about him.... what scares is the fact that I don’t know what is it that I am supposed to have that he needs.... these aren’t forest where such things happen... I need to reach the village but i am confused.. The path seems different.... I lived my entire life in this forest but tonight i cant remember if I have ever seen this place before...
Need to keep moving... it doesn’t matter if i know this place or not... i just need to keep moving... i don’t know if i have put any distance between me and him... i i can still here the children screaming... the little hands scratching the land as the were been cut for the leg up.... the uncontrollable shrieks.... stop... i cant think about this now.... it had to be done... i need to keep moving... cant let myself think.... blood blood... smell.... shit.. Need to move... where the fuck could he be... what the fuck is happening... why me why me....
All i wanted was to learn how to use the sword... not use it on people not..... can here foot steps but its coming from the other side..... Some one is coming towards me from the front...need to hide... need a bush..... Tree.. Climb..... Sweating slipping... fast its getting close ... faster damn it....
I see him coming.... closer... he stopped just ahead of where i was standing.....
Terribly dressed he has no class... reminds me of a hobo... The dried stains at the edges of his clothes ... they might be blood... blood of those children that i saw being chopped alive... for some cannibalistic pleasure... but I don’t remember seeing him there when the children were being murdered. there was only one person there...i am sure of this. That guy seemed have some class in his movements... of royal origins is what i assumed then... his movements were graceful and efficient... some one with a mannerism that would have been regarded polite if only he wasn’t killing children.
Like large black holes surrounding the pit... his eyes I have never seen anything like this before... I should not have been here.... i should have kept running as soon he realizes some one was coming.... Now if he realizes I am on the tree what the fuck... I don’t think i will last for long... and what if he is not alone and the other Royal guy ends up coming here what will I do....
the darkness spreads as the sleep takes over... my energy depletes...
Tear coming down my face.... Crying I sit here looking at you... blinking at me...
Running through the forest for over an hour… he sat down to take a breath… can’t remember when this all began… feels like it was only few hour back that he was sharpening his sword for the practice session… his first ever sword lesson… but that was 10 years ago… the memories that should have formed in these 10 years seems unimportant and therefore not restored in my mind….
The man with the mark on his finger… like a vertical black line across the nail of his middle finger… where could he have gotten that… what does that mean… his victims were always cut in two half... vertically... that is not what scares me about him.... what scares is the fact that I don’t know what is it that I am supposed to have that he needs.... these aren’t forest where such things happen... I need to reach the village but i am confused.. The path seems different.... I lived my entire life in this forest but tonight i cant remember if I have ever seen this place before...
Need to keep moving... it doesn’t matter if i know this place or not... i just need to keep moving... i don’t know if i have put any distance between me and him... i i can still here the children screaming... the little hands scratching the land as the were been cut for the leg up.... the uncontrollable shrieks.... stop... i cant think about this now.... it had to be done... i need to keep moving... cant let myself think.... blood blood... smell.... shit.. Need to move... where the fuck could he be... what the fuck is happening... why me why me....
All i wanted was to learn how to use the sword... not use it on people not..... can here foot steps but its coming from the other side..... Some one is coming towards me from the front...need to hide... need a bush..... Tree.. Climb..... Sweating slipping... fast its getting close ... faster damn it....
I see him coming.... closer... he stopped just ahead of where i was standing.....
Terribly dressed he has no class... reminds me of a hobo... The dried stains at the edges of his clothes ... they might be blood... blood of those children that i saw being chopped alive... for some cannibalistic pleasure... but I don’t remember seeing him there when the children were being murdered. there was only one person there...i am sure of this. That guy seemed have some class in his movements... of royal origins is what i assumed then... his movements were graceful and efficient... some one with a mannerism that would have been regarded polite if only he wasn’t killing children.
Like large black holes surrounding the pit... his eyes I have never seen anything like this before... I should not have been here.... i should have kept running as soon he realizes some one was coming.... Now if he realizes I am on the tree what the fuck... I don’t think i will last for long... and what if he is not alone and the other Royal guy ends up coming here what will I do....
the darkness spreads as the sleep takes over... my energy depletes...
Tear coming down my face.... Crying I sit here looking at you... blinking at me...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Good Time
Good time
Staring at this thing i think about all that’s happening
Tired i wipe the tears of my eyes...
Lack of sleep as the good times come... i wonder if this feeling will go away
Words creeping from no where ... the thought of loosing this and that
Scary scary... scary is always good.... i wonder when that happened..
Curious i open that door i like keeping closed... the scary future staring at me...
How do we go on like that ... this life of loneliness creeping me out... pity is not what i want
Pity is what i get... but i fear to let it go...for the loneliness is scarier...
Ha need some time for myself.... I have to do what … So much
Read, write, listen, speak... answer
I am lying on the carpet... drifting to sleep... something keeps pulling me back
Rolling I scream... frustrated, wondering why... what is it that i am supposed to understand here
What is the bigger picture...
Talking talking... about everything.... nothing... the same thing.... I have nothing to say about you
About him... about this....
Roulette ... trigger happy... shooting his emotions for anyone to catch.... the poor bastard lost it in the end
Blurry eye... still waiting for the sleep to strangle me.. i work my brain...
the fingers just seem to squeeze my dog's breakfast to a pulp.... but the sleep eludes me and its the pain that i can
Think about...
Yeah yeah yeah......Hallowed be thy name.... Iron maiden screaming
Good time.... I can’t see that any more.... is it frivolous to measure everything in terms of pleasure
Are you having a good time.... because I wanna. So don’t fuck it up for me.....
Staring at this thing i think about all that’s happening
Tired i wipe the tears of my eyes...
Lack of sleep as the good times come... i wonder if this feeling will go away
Words creeping from no where ... the thought of loosing this and that
Scary scary... scary is always good.... i wonder when that happened..
Curious i open that door i like keeping closed... the scary future staring at me...
How do we go on like that ... this life of loneliness creeping me out... pity is not what i want
Pity is what i get... but i fear to let it go...for the loneliness is scarier...
Ha need some time for myself.... I have to do what … So much
Read, write, listen, speak... answer
I am lying on the carpet... drifting to sleep... something keeps pulling me back
Rolling I scream... frustrated, wondering why... what is it that i am supposed to understand here
What is the bigger picture...
Talking talking... about everything.... nothing... the same thing.... I have nothing to say about you
About him... about this....
Roulette ... trigger happy... shooting his emotions for anyone to catch.... the poor bastard lost it in the end
Blurry eye... still waiting for the sleep to strangle me.. i work my brain...
the fingers just seem to squeeze my dog's breakfast to a pulp.... but the sleep eludes me and its the pain that i can
Think about...
Yeah yeah yeah......Hallowed be thy name.... Iron maiden screaming
Good time.... I can’t see that any more.... is it frivolous to measure everything in terms of pleasure
Are you having a good time.... because I wanna. So don’t fuck it up for me.....
Monday, April 27, 2009
Shitty Week
a horrible day..... woke up early to a long list of miscalls and messages.... not many of them where good..waking up to terrible news is the most irritating thing i have had in my life...the people i hate the most..... with information that makes me feel like i hit rock bottom every time...
this feeling of helplessness its shitty...... i hate this feeling ... it makes it so hard for me too work
there is no motivation to do what i do ... why am i doing what i am doing.... i need to act... i can now understand the pressure she is in... the need to find something else something that can keep me going... don't know which issue to solve first ... the Ego, the need, the goal or is it the ability to put in the effort
is this my doctors (the quack) that i wont go to.
its unfair that one should feel this after all the effort you have to put to get here.. you have to put more effort to make this entire experience bearable... why should it be just bearable.....
yeah yeah... cruel world easy to say hard to accept... what do i need to do to be cruel in this cruel world. what can you do?
the entire day felt like one long long long step to tomorrow....
looking forward to a shitty week......
shitty it was but not as bad as i can make it sound...
this feeling of helplessness its shitty...... i hate this feeling ... it makes it so hard for me too work
there is no motivation to do what i do ... why am i doing what i am doing.... i need to act... i can now understand the pressure she is in... the need to find something else something that can keep me going... don't know which issue to solve first ... the Ego, the need, the goal or is it the ability to put in the effort
is this my doctors (the quack) that i wont go to.
its unfair that one should feel this after all the effort you have to put to get here.. you have to put more effort to make this entire experience bearable... why should it be just bearable.....
yeah yeah... cruel world easy to say hard to accept... what do i need to do to be cruel in this cruel world. what can you do?
the entire day felt like one long long long step to tomorrow....
looking forward to a shitty week......
shitty it was but not as bad as i can make it sound...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Lord of the Dumb asses
There and back again... a dumb ass's story....
yeah you guessed right i have been watching Lord of the rings these past few days...
and i think i know what Frodo felt like when he saw mount doom....
the one place on middle earth where no one wants to go... is the one place where we have to go.... yeah i get that Sam
looks like i will be seeing my mordor today.. Wondering how I got caught in all this crap... yeah a huge chunk of it alright
singing my songs that will not help me...
[here Pippin starts singing]
The desk is behind and Crap a head..
and there are other places I'd be in....
Crap and Shadow.... idiots and Sauron..
I'd rather be anywhere else...
Crap and Shadow.... idiots and Sauron...
All shall fail... what a f***ing... Joke....
So singing this i was walking towards mordor wondering when Gollum is gonna f*** me real bad... I wish he could have done the job for me....
but the way things are now.... i might just have a mental breakdown and turn into Gollum... or was that Smegol...
So the protagonist Dumb ass has just arrived at mount doom... where guess what happened.... he was asked to wait...
and wait he did alright... it seems the Mountain wasn't ready to blow up yet....
So he came back the next day wondering whether it will happen today....
he was already in a bad mood... as he realized Gollum just stole his Calvin Kline perfume.... of all the things he is thinking about
his f***ing perfume... Wonder what Gandalf would have thought about him.....
So thinking about this the Dumb ass waited for 45 mins and then entered mount doom ... Alright!!!
And Sauron said... when is the last day... do we have to do this now... yeah f***er do this now... That was Gollum not me... Seriously
Then i drop the ring and the mountain doesn’t explode rather it said i will come back to you about that...
Seriously what the F***!!!!
yeah you guessed right i have been watching Lord of the rings these past few days...
and i think i know what Frodo felt like when he saw mount doom....
the one place on middle earth where no one wants to go... is the one place where we have to go.... yeah i get that Sam
looks like i will be seeing my mordor today.. Wondering how I got caught in all this crap... yeah a huge chunk of it alright
singing my songs that will not help me...
[here Pippin starts singing]
The desk is behind and Crap a head..
and there are other places I'd be in....
Crap and Shadow.... idiots and Sauron..
I'd rather be anywhere else...
Crap and Shadow.... idiots and Sauron...
All shall fail... what a f***ing... Joke....
So singing this i was walking towards mordor wondering when Gollum is gonna f*** me real bad... I wish he could have done the job for me....
but the way things are now.... i might just have a mental breakdown and turn into Gollum... or was that Smegol...
So the protagonist Dumb ass has just arrived at mount doom... where guess what happened.... he was asked to wait...
and wait he did alright... it seems the Mountain wasn't ready to blow up yet....
So he came back the next day wondering whether it will happen today....
he was already in a bad mood... as he realized Gollum just stole his Calvin Kline perfume.... of all the things he is thinking about
his f***ing perfume... Wonder what Gandalf would have thought about him.....
So thinking about this the Dumb ass waited for 45 mins and then entered mount doom ... Alright!!!
And Sauron said... when is the last day... do we have to do this now... yeah f***er do this now... That was Gollum not me... Seriously
Then i drop the ring and the mountain doesn’t explode rather it said i will come back to you about that...
Seriously what the F***!!!!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
STOP
looking good.... i am excited....
the fear growing with each passing day...
so is the excitement...
jenny was a friend of mine.....
imagination running wild.... i fear the fall will be as hard as always...
the doors close... the suspicion rises... indifference to be safe...
the fear growing with each passing day...
so is the excitement...
jenny was a friend of mine.....
imagination running wild.... i fear the fall will be as hard as always...
the doors close... the suspicion rises... indifference to be safe...
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Island (....birth of an idea)
The old bus was struggling its way through the crowded streets of no where... its the place where everyone wants to be these days .Ever since the discovery of this island in the middle of nowhere, people have been moving in ... Its not the scenic beauty (which it doesn’t have) or the historical heritage or the great economy (both of which it doesn’t have) that brings people here. The place was formed by the accumulation of all the junk in the ocean into one place because of the current. Even I cant believe that bull shit but it turns out that stuff like this is possible...
So here i am in an island whose foundations are based on the garbage that every other country has been pouring out for centuries. In a bus that is ready to die right now surrounded by people in the millions on an island with a maximum capacity of a million. Wondering why are we all attracted to Nowhere. Why do we all leave what we have known all our life to come here... No one comes to no where as a tourist. They come here leaving everything. I know there have been many man made islands made of garbage and other things like that. But why is it when everyone on those islands are miserable with their life.. why is it that they are drawn towards this island that doesn’t offer anything, nothing just the bare minimum... with the highest collection of poor in an area this size. Why?
Been running non-stop for 10 mins now.... since our fight. I came to nowhere because i thought this place was inaccessible... somewhere i wouldn't have to go through the monotony of everyday life. Been here for over a year now.... I smell like the island... they have bus here now... the only bus on the island for transport.. Wonder who would be using transport in the middle of nowhere.
There has been a constant flow of people since April last year when i came to the island... when i came her there were only 500 of us. It was like a community was been formed a chance new civilization.. Like the hippies, but the flow of people didn’t stop.... the people kept pouring in ... all of us where loosing the point in this island.. if all what we left kept following us here what is the point... but going back was impossible... everyone who comes here has burnt that bridge.
Its not the law or something but the journey here changes you permanently in ways that i cannot phantom. The idea of nowhere was the answer that set people free... at least what everyone believed. What you feel from there on doesn’t let you accept anything from your past
So here i am in an island whose foundations are based on the garbage that every other country has been pouring out for centuries. In a bus that is ready to die right now surrounded by people in the millions on an island with a maximum capacity of a million. Wondering why are we all attracted to Nowhere. Why do we all leave what we have known all our life to come here... No one comes to no where as a tourist. They come here leaving everything. I know there have been many man made islands made of garbage and other things like that. But why is it when everyone on those islands are miserable with their life.. why is it that they are drawn towards this island that doesn’t offer anything, nothing just the bare minimum... with the highest collection of poor in an area this size. Why?
Been running non-stop for 10 mins now.... since our fight. I came to nowhere because i thought this place was inaccessible... somewhere i wouldn't have to go through the monotony of everyday life. Been here for over a year now.... I smell like the island... they have bus here now... the only bus on the island for transport.. Wonder who would be using transport in the middle of nowhere.
There has been a constant flow of people since April last year when i came to the island... when i came her there were only 500 of us. It was like a community was been formed a chance new civilization.. Like the hippies, but the flow of people didn’t stop.... the people kept pouring in ... all of us where loosing the point in this island.. if all what we left kept following us here what is the point... but going back was impossible... everyone who comes here has burnt that bridge.
Its not the law or something but the journey here changes you permanently in ways that i cannot phantom. The idea of nowhere was the answer that set people free... at least what everyone believed. What you feel from there on doesn’t let you accept anything from your past
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Starry Dusty Squishy Sobby
Starry starry night...
boil in my ear... squirming in my bed..
i dont want to go anywhere... indecision... unsettling
run for it.. sleep through it... decide nothing..
looking for something... these aren’t my dreams
never will be... doesn't matter, here and now.
Dusty dusty town....
will miss you, when your gone...
gone.... empty as always... nothing to hold on to...
cold and lonely here here... yeah yeah... breathing in the dust
waiting for the rain that i know will come... clear air ...
breath in the loneliness...
Squishy squishy land....
sinking in all the way... happy and gay over nothing
weird and happy.. ha ha ha whatever
rules creep in... when did that happen.. what is it that limits all of this..
purpose when did it matter... what purpose could i have...
like i care.. purpose overated concept..
you have no purpose.. i have no purpose.. none.... existence
Sobby sobby life....
stripping it down for what its worth
care to know... where it all went... keep imagining..
never did mean anything ... carefree. its the taste of it that
that i loved... would i miss it... yes.. do you want it... no..
you know everything is alright
alright right??
Interesting, fascinating... agreed
i get it now.. whatever i say... i get it... i love it.. what you feel
i feel now... i am happy aren’t you... after everything...
sad, happy, love, jealous, scared, angry, uncertain.... after nothing
starry dusty squishy sobby....
boil in my ear... squirming in my bed..
i dont want to go anywhere... indecision... unsettling
run for it.. sleep through it... decide nothing..
looking for something... these aren’t my dreams
never will be... doesn't matter, here and now.
Dusty dusty town....
will miss you, when your gone...
gone.... empty as always... nothing to hold on to...
cold and lonely here here... yeah yeah... breathing in the dust
waiting for the rain that i know will come... clear air ...
breath in the loneliness...
Squishy squishy land....
sinking in all the way... happy and gay over nothing
weird and happy.. ha ha ha whatever
rules creep in... when did that happen.. what is it that limits all of this..
purpose when did it matter... what purpose could i have...
like i care.. purpose overated concept..
you have no purpose.. i have no purpose.. none.... existence
Sobby sobby life....
stripping it down for what its worth
care to know... where it all went... keep imagining..
never did mean anything ... carefree. its the taste of it that
that i loved... would i miss it... yes.. do you want it... no..
you know everything is alright
alright right??
Interesting, fascinating... agreed
i get it now.. whatever i say... i get it... i love it.. what you feel
i feel now... i am happy aren’t you... after everything...
sad, happy, love, jealous, scared, angry, uncertain.... after nothing
starry dusty squishy sobby....
Friday, April 10, 2009
Introspection
Exploding... my brain exploding
the thought of this explodes through me...
All thoughts vanquished...
i scream with this feeling inside me... this
thing i see, hear, feel...
been so long since the last time
all such feelings were felt
whiteness ..... whiteness that's all there is like all existence has been blotted out
Blinding white...
cant think anything of consequence now..
the sound of water near by....
the rush of something...
the whiteness goes away......
A scene of fornication in front
windows to households...
confused ... confusion increasing...
I see myself suspended to watch
as the slow decent from making love to decadence
the pressure increasing on my body
as i think of how the pressure moves across me
the pattern it forms ..
Still confused
looking for the whiteness to comeback for the explosion that i look for everywhere
Need it now...
getting rid of it all , the dust.
looking into the past
sordid as it is
the lies of it all ... reading them the word written by people who only know the lies of this life
Sifting through these, hoping for something to anchor on to
the explosions come with more effort now..
haven't seen one in a long time..
longing for the whiteness to return
whiteness that cannot fade away
New as it can be
different as it all feels
My fingers go the way they wanna
the thought of this explodes through me...
All thoughts vanquished...
i scream with this feeling inside me... this
thing i see, hear, feel...
been so long since the last time
all such feelings were felt
whiteness ..... whiteness that's all there is like all existence has been blotted out
Blinding white...
cant think anything of consequence now..
the sound of water near by....
the rush of something...
the whiteness goes away......
A scene of fornication in front
windows to households...
confused ... confusion increasing...
I see myself suspended to watch
as the slow decent from making love to decadence
the pressure increasing on my body
as i think of how the pressure moves across me
the pattern it forms ..
Still confused
looking for the whiteness to comeback for the explosion that i look for everywhere
Need it now...
getting rid of it all , the dust.
looking into the past
sordid as it is
the lies of it all ... reading them the word written by people who only know the lies of this life
Sifting through these, hoping for something to anchor on to
the explosions come with more effort now..
haven't seen one in a long time..
longing for the whiteness to return
whiteness that cannot fade away
New as it can be
different as it all feels
My fingers go the way they wanna
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Nostalgia ( what a waste )
the floor is warm because of the sun....
love sitting out here... the smell of warm concrete relaxes me.... reminds me where i am...
the dried leaves from the cherry tree slanting on to the house.. since the last monsoon......
A little moment of peace before the end of it all...
i remember were i lost my toe nail that day....
"well what did you expect when you keep running around like that".... never did like him.. poor old man lost it before the shit hit the fan (as Kurt would have put it)
in fact i haven't felt much for any of my grandparents that died.... i supposed i forced my self by thinking something depressing while they were buried
Waiting for the last one to die... it will put her out of her misery.... i am being kind here....
But none of this is gonna matter .... this is not what today is about...
i have doubts if today will ever happen.... have always been obsessed with the fact that this day would come...
The first time i flunked .... i cried to this wall expecting some miraculous solution to my problems....
the day i lost faith in him i cried to the same wall...
i cried in this tank...... the nights with insomnia i beat this tree...
i walked these walls hoping for the fall..... the one couldn't let myself take...
i remember the day when this place stopped meaning anything to me.....
the tank had water the day we made love in it.... wasn't love actually... it was just sex....
don't know why we did that.... i was never that interested in you....
but that shouldn't matter anyway..... the make shift tent made of coconut leaf to have some privacy....
like cavemen who were gay....
i remember the day when you meant nothing to me....
like these memories... they mean nothing.... i don't feel happiness or remorse for these memories....
what a waste....
love sitting out here... the smell of warm concrete relaxes me.... reminds me where i am...
the dried leaves from the cherry tree slanting on to the house.. since the last monsoon......
A little moment of peace before the end of it all...
i remember were i lost my toe nail that day....
"well what did you expect when you keep running around like that".... never did like him.. poor old man lost it before the shit hit the fan (as Kurt would have put it)
in fact i haven't felt much for any of my grandparents that died.... i supposed i forced my self by thinking something depressing while they were buried
Waiting for the last one to die... it will put her out of her misery.... i am being kind here....
But none of this is gonna matter .... this is not what today is about...
i have doubts if today will ever happen.... have always been obsessed with the fact that this day would come...
The first time i flunked .... i cried to this wall expecting some miraculous solution to my problems....
the day i lost faith in him i cried to the same wall...
i cried in this tank...... the nights with insomnia i beat this tree...
i walked these walls hoping for the fall..... the one couldn't let myself take...
i remember the day when this place stopped meaning anything to me.....
the tank had water the day we made love in it.... wasn't love actually... it was just sex....
don't know why we did that.... i was never that interested in you....
but that shouldn't matter anyway..... the make shift tent made of coconut leaf to have some privacy....
like cavemen who were gay....
i remember the day when you meant nothing to me....
like these memories... they mean nothing.... i don't feel happiness or remorse for these memories....
what a waste....
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Legacy
Pressing my palm on the sand
leaving prints i don't care for...
they are meaningless here...
as the water washes my fingers away
i remember the way my life was washed ...
erased
for there was nothing fruitful that could have come out of it....
This whining victim with his annoying stories
the fool doesn't wanna play no more
your silly games are getting old.
like you .. OLD
thinking things will pass i work on them...
thinking this need to leave a legacy will pass
i hoped and dreamed
whining whining about everything
judging me sitting there
laughing at my choices ... like i am a pitiful fool
building nothing from thin air i sit
and wait....
leaving prints i don't care for...
they are meaningless here...
as the water washes my fingers away
i remember the way my life was washed ...
erased
for there was nothing fruitful that could have come out of it....
This whining victim with his annoying stories
the fool doesn't wanna play no more
your silly games are getting old.
like you .. OLD
thinking things will pass i work on them...
thinking this need to leave a legacy will pass
i hoped and dreamed
whining whining about everything
judging me sitting there
laughing at my choices ... like i am a pitiful fool
building nothing from thin air i sit
and wait....
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Blah
blah
is what he said.... don't care
blah blah i know more...but i need you ...
blah blah blah
creeping me out.... get out of here
say something... hurt me... don't feel anything now
what is he ... where is he.....
going on with life.... is he
yeah i am right.... you live again... sad and true
he is cool...
yeah he is....
doesn't matter who i am....
brain reduced to a pulp... to churn crap
blah blah blah.. blah blah blah.....
standing on my head....
crying on my knee....
ha ha ha ha ha ha
more blah to go with everything else that is playing.....
sitting here... standing there... taking words from others
one to one..... what makes you think i wanna ... what make you think i will change..
pulling more more words... blah blah blah...
i don't wanna know.... whatever... whatever...
sliding here... sliding.... slipping and sliding....
and the blahs keep piling on... like it always has.....
wants to make something out of it seems...
we all come out of the same blah...
so blah you blah that..
blah blah...
is what he said.... don't care
blah blah i know more...but i need you ...
blah blah blah
creeping me out.... get out of here
say something... hurt me... don't feel anything now
what is he ... where is he.....
going on with life.... is he
yeah i am right.... you live again... sad and true
he is cool...
yeah he is....
doesn't matter who i am....
brain reduced to a pulp... to churn crap
blah blah blah.. blah blah blah.....
standing on my head....
crying on my knee....
ha ha ha ha ha ha
more blah to go with everything else that is playing.....
sitting here... standing there... taking words from others
one to one..... what makes you think i wanna ... what make you think i will change..
pulling more more words... blah blah blah...
i don't wanna know.... whatever... whatever...
sliding here... sliding.... slipping and sliding....
and the blahs keep piling on... like it always has.....
wants to make something out of it seems...
we all come out of the same blah...
so blah you blah that..
blah blah...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sinking
was sinking into the bed...
couldn't stop that feeling of just sinking into the bed
felt like i was gonna be part of the furniture. the soft cushions, my ear closing up with foam mattress... things going black
i cant scream, my mouth is filling up with foam... i cant feel anything... nothing is moving cant breath.....
i open my eyes.. everything is numb...... i cant feel.. i am not sweating.. i am cold.
breath breath breath breath
open my eyes again... everything is all right i am sitting here in my bed... loud music blocks all thought out of my head
the speed of sound to clear your head. Hanging upside down from the sun shade... Blood moving to my head... my face is turning red
i am breathing hard... i i i i i i i.... another thought
been hanging upside down since i was a kid... has various purpose.... calms me down hanging upside down on the first floor
this could kill me... didn't do the one time i fell...
will do that no more.. No more no more... have never done anything no more
couldn't stop that feeling of just sinking into the bed
felt like i was gonna be part of the furniture. the soft cushions, my ear closing up with foam mattress... things going black
i cant scream, my mouth is filling up with foam... i cant feel anything... nothing is moving cant breath.....
i open my eyes.. everything is numb...... i cant feel.. i am not sweating.. i am cold.
breath breath breath breath
open my eyes again... everything is all right i am sitting here in my bed... loud music blocks all thought out of my head
the speed of sound to clear your head. Hanging upside down from the sun shade... Blood moving to my head... my face is turning red
i am breathing hard... i i i i i i i.... another thought
been hanging upside down since i was a kid... has various purpose.... calms me down hanging upside down on the first floor
this could kill me... didn't do the one time i fell...
will do that no more.. No more no more... have never done anything no more
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Restless
restless...
the restlessness has been increasing for a while now...
unsure if its out of expectation or the decided defeat. keep thinking about it... the haze of all these feelings
keeps building up....
Unacceptable content..
yeah right like i have ever heard that one before...
murky ... murky ..... when somethings get sorted out the others don't...
feels like its rock bottom for me with the conclusion of the deal the defeat was accepted...
when the relief i felt crushed everything that was believed... the sign of rejection.. the need to be accepted...
why should i care for it... why do i need the conformation... what is the point of this... the pressure
the pressure of this all ... eating away.. rotting inside.... the smell cannot be ignored.... wake him now wake him... call call...
it cant be late... there is still time... why should it always be the one you cant have.. the one you wont have....
Cleaning the floor .... the patterns seem to make no sense ....the patterns seem like they weren't meant to be the way they were...
the cracked floor reminds me of the red oxide floor of my grand parents.. with the floor caving in but people living on
the irrational need to exist and keep hurting one self with faith and belief...
why is it that its important..
why should i be important to me....
why /when / where / how..... how many times does a person use that in a day....
heard him... felt sad... felt incomplete...
don't want it anymore... am afraid...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Crazy
Tripping and falling while walking is something that happens quite often
You drive me crazy .. you drive me crazy
Granls Barkley on my laptop.....
Cant get you outta my head .. kylie on TV
grand canyon in my head ....
paint paint the colors .. red blue green black
the same way always
A trimmed french beard with close cropped hair....
not so close anywhere else......
do you feel better now that you know
can you say it now that its clear to you...
I think i am crazy.... i think i am crazy...
Never gonna see him again...
Animated animated... why so i ask myself
whats with the vibrations....
word words they confuse me .....
Disconnected as the words are they still confuse me...
i really think i am crazy
been here done that.... no so true anymore...
haven't been anywhere anymore....
Knock knock.... i am here..
you ain't...
Sad Sad.. Paint Paint... breath breath... its over... go on... move on...
crazy
Loud/Scream/High
Loud
Louder..
this feels great sitting in front of him...
The sound so clear so new...
the taste of this that was missed
the clarity in the eye
the alcohol in the breath
the silence inside
Scream
Screaming
i love this...... i love.....
the scream dies out.... you stupid fool...
Shut up shut up....
The constant excitement...
High
Higher
the confusion of it all..
all these feeling with its own baggage
the burden of caring them all..
its an illusion to feel these as only the primal is true...
don't understand the need for these.....
Ashy
Climbing up the tree looking for her.... could hear her meow ... she has a horse voice for a kitten of her size.... was tempted to call her Ozzy because of the voice...
an Ash coloured kitten ... she reminds me of my mothers burnt remains..
i wonder why i didn't name her despair... that's what i feel when i look at her..
cant help but love her... in some twisted way she is whats keeping me sane... the reality of the pain that i feel from her lets me know that i am alive
after all that has happened i am not surprised..........
an Ash coloured kitten ... she reminds me of my mothers burnt remains..
i wonder why i didn't name her despair... that's what i feel when i look at her..
cant help but love her... in some twisted way she is whats keeping me sane... the reality of the pain that i feel from her lets me know that i am alive
after all that has happened i am not surprised..........
Friday, March 13, 2009
Rambling of an irrational mind
It has always been this way here……. Dunno what I wanna talk about. Something …… something has been bugging me. I think it was the smell the other day it reminded me of something… I can’t really put my finger on it. Something sad.
Five years have passed since then. Life has changed a lot so have I. I can’t recognize myself. Can’t let go can I. was never able to.
The room wasn't a mess but you can’t call it clean either. The table was a mess, newspaper everywhere, handouts that have no purpose anymore. Chocolates, biscuits and something else. They are everywhere, I can smell them. Music in the background…. My kind of music.
For someone who is obsessed about himself it’s impossible to write about anyone else other then himself. I don’t have an imaginative mind; I have heard that before, when I was in school. Why do I always write in first person terms? I need to stop doing that.
Five years have passed since then. Life has changed a lot so have I. I can’t recognize myself. Can’t let go can I. was never able to.
The room wasn't a mess but you can’t call it clean either. The table was a mess, newspaper everywhere, handouts that have no purpose anymore. Chocolates, biscuits and something else. They are everywhere, I can smell them. Music in the background…. My kind of music.
For someone who is obsessed about himself it’s impossible to write about anyone else other then himself. I don’t have an imaginative mind; I have heard that before, when I was in school. Why do I always write in first person terms? I need to stop doing that.
Knowing this
Saw a pigeon the other day that had committed suicide.
Knowing this...
After the accident had taken place he was never the same... it wasn't the wound that bothered him so much... rather the pretense that everything is good and right in this world that irritated him.
Its as if everything before the accident didn't exists and that he was alive is the only truth. Part of him felt like something momentous had just happened, and from here on there will be nothing that can stop him from achieving anything that he wanted.
As by now its clear that he was always waiting for something miraculous to happen to him to save him from his plight. Quite common one would say..
But i am digressing....
It was the pretense that his family was portraying that irritated him. Not a very loving family is what he would have said, they felt that he was quite the disappointment
well as most families they had unrealistic expectations from an average boy. he lived up to his capability which obviously was much lower that their expectations.
Not a very easy going person and didn't have any attributes which could be used to make up for lets say 'Lack of Ambition' as his family put it quite often.
He could never understand their inability to see his limits. he was quite astounded to realise one day that his family actually believed that he was consciously trying not to succeed
he was so shocked that he had to ponder on this for three days before he gave a reply to his parents for the accusation.
He said "I am not surprised i turned out this way" ( Not a very bright answer after 3 days you can understand now why the parents were so worried )
Anyway the victim of the accident is not the protagonist of this story.
Its the pigeon that died.
Knowing this...
After the accident had taken place he was never the same... it wasn't the wound that bothered him so much... rather the pretense that everything is good and right in this world that irritated him.
Its as if everything before the accident didn't exists and that he was alive is the only truth. Part of him felt like something momentous had just happened, and from here on there will be nothing that can stop him from achieving anything that he wanted.
As by now its clear that he was always waiting for something miraculous to happen to him to save him from his plight. Quite common one would say..
But i am digressing....
It was the pretense that his family was portraying that irritated him. Not a very loving family is what he would have said, they felt that he was quite the disappointment
well as most families they had unrealistic expectations from an average boy. he lived up to his capability which obviously was much lower that their expectations.
Not a very easy going person and didn't have any attributes which could be used to make up for lets say 'Lack of Ambition' as his family put it quite often.
He could never understand their inability to see his limits. he was quite astounded to realise one day that his family actually believed that he was consciously trying not to succeed
he was so shocked that he had to ponder on this for three days before he gave a reply to his parents for the accusation.
He said "I am not surprised i turned out this way" ( Not a very bright answer after 3 days you can understand now why the parents were so worried )
Anyway the victim of the accident is not the protagonist of this story.
Its the pigeon that died.
Rebirth
sleep sleep.......
not helping now are you.....
sleep is the only thing i can think of right now
why cant you say something useful now.. i need
help here this cannot go on
we are reaching too far... we can not push any further...
there are limits and we had crossed them a while back
its time to turn.. or we will break loose forever.
i don't want to break loose i never did...
why do you have to be so demanding... i did what you wanted always what you wanted ...
for your pride and ambition... now where are we ..
i will not be here i will not loose this chance...
we are turning back
now now now...
why are you here... why all this trouble.. for what is it that you came here
you had no clue what you were getting yourself into..
i am not responsible for this... i am going ahead...
i am here to break all bonds that hold me to this place. here to break what ever there is or was
there is no escape you cannot hold on to this pathetic existence that you are crying about
all this is to be destroyed and remade.. will be remade.. so that it can be broken again..
and again... be happy for you will see the end of this madness
the end of all madness for the birth of another one.. flee if you want but i will meet you again
we will meet and you will recognise for all time will be remembered
like me all will remember what was lost for what is now..
Nothing is happening..... dunno when he is gonna come here and ruin everything.... why does someone have that power to just walk in and just create a atmosphere of hate in here... always with the opened door....
not helping now are you.....
sleep is the only thing i can think of right now
why cant you say something useful now.. i need
help here this cannot go on
we are reaching too far... we can not push any further...
there are limits and we had crossed them a while back
its time to turn.. or we will break loose forever.
i don't want to break loose i never did...
why do you have to be so demanding... i did what you wanted always what you wanted ...
for your pride and ambition... now where are we ..
i will not be here i will not loose this chance...
we are turning back
now now now...
why are you here... why all this trouble.. for what is it that you came here
you had no clue what you were getting yourself into..
i am not responsible for this... i am going ahead...
i am here to break all bonds that hold me to this place. here to break what ever there is or was
there is no escape you cannot hold on to this pathetic existence that you are crying about
all this is to be destroyed and remade.. will be remade.. so that it can be broken again..
and again... be happy for you will see the end of this madness
the end of all madness for the birth of another one.. flee if you want but i will meet you again
we will meet and you will recognise for all time will be remembered
like me all will remember what was lost for what is now..
Nothing is happening..... dunno when he is gonna come here and ruin everything.... why does someone have that power to just walk in and just create a atmosphere of hate in here... always with the opened door....
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Walking running standing
i am waiting to see what is to happen to me.... i don't.. i don't know......
standing there in the darkness i was looking at the trains coming into the station....
the mass of people getting in and out of the train...
the noises the people were making....
walking down the street i could see the houses they all seemed the same to me the feeling of tiredness was in all the houses there didn't seem to be any difference between his or his house.... the gates were old the paint was new on a old wall... could see the bumps on the wall made by the unevenness of the cement plastered on them to cover the cracks...
running i love running.... just want be run as fast as i can run so that i can break free of this body just get out of myself.... scream scream..... make a fist run run run run run run run run.....
my feet is aching but i cant stop now .... i can feel that state i feel light i think this time it might just happen ... yeah i can feel it... the darkness before i get free.........
standing there in the darkness i was looking at the trains coming into the station....
the mass of people getting in and out of the train...
the noises the people were making....
walking down the street i could see the houses they all seemed the same to me the feeling of tiredness was in all the houses there didn't seem to be any difference between his or his house.... the gates were old the paint was new on a old wall... could see the bumps on the wall made by the unevenness of the cement plastered on them to cover the cracks...
running i love running.... just want be run as fast as i can run so that i can break free of this body just get out of myself.... scream scream..... make a fist run run run run run run run run.....
my feet is aching but i cant stop now .... i can feel that state i feel light i think this time it might just happen ... yeah i can feel it... the darkness before i get free.........
Monday, March 9, 2009
In progress part 2
rubbish that all there is what can i say there seems nothing else to do... was talking the other day about writing something... so loud... why is he talking so loudly... its fucking annoying that people talk about their personal stuff so loudly... it just drive me to the edge... actually its not that serious... its just annoying...
so where was i .... yeah about writing something... i m not a story teller after all... creating a story for example.... a village... whats that... i have no stories about villages
He was walking the other day.... was walking because he had to get to the McDonald's near by..... is he thinking of doing something .... wonder what he will eat there ... he has never eaten here before....
you think that story is going any where.... right now i am surrounded by some idiots who think that they are the true judge of what ever there is..... typical.... i am generalizing now..... i suppose this disease is catching... like what some assholes would say....
like i was saying earlier.... the story that thing that i wrote what is that supposed to be.... 'anything is possible' i can go anywhere with that line...
he could do anything.... he could be thinking of running away, robbery, murder or just eat and walk away...
there are many many other things that he can be thinking of doing....
he might not be thinking of doing anything...
But he is going to do something.... he will be killing himself after the breakfast
that much i am sure of...
Surprising.... i am surprised too........
Wonder why he would want to do that... what could possibly have lead to this beginning i wonder.
Never
Back to square one....
why should one move anywhere...
All this talk on career, future and such bullshit..
dont do anything rash
like i know what to do..
you think i know..
Travel.... cant always do this
learn this learn that..
a year from now...
why why a year from now...
This isnt the place for me...
but i always end up here... every time
Need water, need food..... need life
i dont need this........... i dont care for this Learning
why should one move anywhere...
All this talk on career, future and such bullshit..
dont do anything rash
like i know what to do..
you think i know..
Travel.... cant always do this
learn this learn that..
a year from now...
why why a year from now...
This isnt the place for me...
but i always end up here... every time
Need water, need food..... need life
i dont need this........... i dont care for this Learning
In progress
All there is to say has been said:
Opening......
the screen is black.....
Music --- alternative..... foot steps.... sound like a busy street....
extreme close up..... D ( the close / open sign on the door)
the door opens ... the camera does not move (close up on the shirt)
the person is dressed in a white shirt is lean with a weeks beard and curly hair that need to be cut (looks like its been combed with the hand)
Cut
The view of the restaurant.. its a McDonald's outside andheri station... people trying to catch rickshaws & a best bus trying to enter into the crowded street
Cut
inside McDonald's
Sparsely filled... he is in the queue... teenagers talking in front of him in Hindi....he orders for a Mcchicken Value meal... Rs.117, he takes the Sodexo pass from his pocket and gives Rs. 120,
Waiter: Sir we cannot give you change for Sodexos..
HE: doesn't say anything but indicates with his hand its alright....
Waiter: (hands the tray with the order). Thank you Sir
He takes the tray and searches for the right place to sit... he moves closer to the door and sits facing the Glass Wall to the street outside.
Another Nothing
And here i am screaming and beating the world for what its doing to me....there never seems to be a day where i wasnt doing this...its as though the entire time spent on all these sad issues... Sad here i unimportant frivilous, of no consequence in the overall schem of things...what i am trying to communicate in so many words is that i am sad but the issues are not important... the need the need to have sure ground beneath my feet has grown so much that i cannot ignore that feeling anymore... thats why i am going tomorrow back to the place where i feel surest.... can you believe that surest but never sure feeling... later than what the point in all this eh....
Load of rubbish
was walking down the road then i heard it...
the sound that would be spoken off for the next week....
the gun shots that would kill me was yet to come......
i ran and ran...
where you might ask ... but of course towards that sound... that will free me....
but Little billy was with me... wonder why he is here ...
its the wrong day poor boy... you shouldn't be here..
today i might just be free but you are still too young to be here
its not your day yet son so run along.. go home....
the streets were deserted as most people there were wounded or dead...
this felt like a dream ... its so unreal... the screams.. i couldn't help but smile...
it will happen today i knew it then for sure
there they are with their guns....
but why is he not smiling... cant he see i come in peace just shoot me dude..
why is he crying whats wrong with him... this is what he wanted right so why is he crying...
the cops are coming better do it quick before you are killed buddy..
why are you not shooting .. cmon cmon cmon....
this is not ... this is not.... what is not....
this is not the gun shot rings loud but its not me that falling... damn damn.....
i was supposed to be the one i was supposed to be the one.....
hey billy what are you doing here .. whats with that gun you got there..
i am here because you didn't take care of me... why did you leave me alone...
where are we billy...
here we don't have to worry about guns any more... we are free from everything.. since you set people free...
the sound that would be spoken off for the next week....
the gun shots that would kill me was yet to come......
i ran and ran...
where you might ask ... but of course towards that sound... that will free me....
but Little billy was with me... wonder why he is here ...
its the wrong day poor boy... you shouldn't be here..
today i might just be free but you are still too young to be here
its not your day yet son so run along.. go home....
the streets were deserted as most people there were wounded or dead...
this felt like a dream ... its so unreal... the screams.. i couldn't help but smile...
it will happen today i knew it then for sure
there they are with their guns....
but why is he not smiling... cant he see i come in peace just shoot me dude..
why is he crying whats wrong with him... this is what he wanted right so why is he crying...
the cops are coming better do it quick before you are killed buddy..
why are you not shooting .. cmon cmon cmon....
this is not ... this is not.... what is not....
this is not the gun shot rings loud but its not me that falling... damn damn.....
i was supposed to be the one i was supposed to be the one.....
hey billy what are you doing here .. whats with that gun you got there..
i am here because you didn't take care of me... why did you leave me alone...
where are we billy...
here we don't have to worry about guns any more... we are free from everything.. since you set people free...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Limbo
Out here in the dark..
Out here in Space....Nothing can be seen..
Out here in Limbo left here to find a way...
left here to die by the choices i made...
There were not many that could have been made....
are impulsive yes they were impulsive..
the way they always will be ... the right and the wrong...
Always in Limbo because the ignorance is deep...
Ignorance is dee..
No point in worrying .. nothing to do
Nothing that is known...
what should be the next step... accept the laziness...
are you required to prove something...
Prove what?? what?
i am comfortable here ..am i
i am unsure but nothing to harm..
just the fog of ruination...
what has to be done is always forced never subtle
always forced...
Out here in Space....Nothing can be seen..
Out here in Limbo left here to find a way...
left here to die by the choices i made...
There were not many that could have been made....
are impulsive yes they were impulsive..
the way they always will be ... the right and the wrong...
Always in Limbo because the ignorance is deep...
Ignorance is dee..
No point in worrying .. nothing to do
Nothing that is known...
what should be the next step... accept the laziness...
are you required to prove something...
Prove what?? what?
i am comfortable here ..am i
i am unsure but nothing to harm..
just the fog of ruination...
what has to be done is always forced never subtle
always forced...
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