Blah

blah
is what he said.... don't care
blah blah i know more...but i need you ...
blah blah blah
creeping me out.... get out of here
say something... hurt me... don't feel anything now
what is he ... where is he.....
going on with life.... is he
yeah i am right.... you live again... sad and true
he is cool...
yeah he is....
doesn't matter who i am....
brain reduced to a pulp... to churn crap
blah blah blah.. blah blah blah.....
standing on my head....
crying on my knee....
ha ha ha ha ha ha
more blah to go with everything else that is playing.....
sitting here... standing there... taking words from others
one to one..... what makes you think i wanna ... what make you think i will change..
pulling more more words... blah blah blah...
i don't wanna know.... whatever... whatever...
sliding here... sliding.... slipping and sliding....

and the blahs keep piling on... like it always has.....
wants to make something out of it seems...
we all come out of the same blah...
so blah you blah that..
blah blah...

Sinking

was sinking into the bed...
couldn't stop that feeling of just sinking into the bed
felt like i was gonna be part of the furniture. the soft cushions, my ear closing up with foam mattress... things going black
i cant scream, my mouth is filling up with foam... i cant feel anything... nothing is moving cant breath.....
i open my eyes.. everything is numb...... i cant feel.. i am not sweating.. i am cold.

breath breath breath breath

open my eyes again... everything is all right i am sitting here in my bed... loud music blocks all thought out of my head
the speed of sound to clear your head. Hanging upside down from the sun shade... Blood moving to my head... my face is turning red
i am breathing hard... i i i i i i i.... another thought
been hanging upside down since i was a kid... has various purpose.... calms me down hanging upside down on the first floor
this could kill me... didn't do the one time i fell...
will do that no more.. No more no more... have never done anything no more

Restless

restless...
the restlessness has been increasing for a while now...
unsure if its out of expectation or the decided defeat. keep thinking about it... the haze of all these feelings
keeps building up....

Unacceptable content..

yeah right like i have ever heard that one before...
murky ... murky ..... when somethings get sorted out the others don't...
feels like its rock bottom for me with the conclusion of the deal the defeat was accepted...
when the relief i felt crushed everything that was believed... the sign of rejection.. the need to be accepted...
why should i care for it... why do i need the conformation... what is the point of this... the pressure
the pressure of this all ... eating away.. rotting inside.... the smell cannot be ignored.... wake him now wake him... call call...
it cant be late... there is still time... why should it always be the one you cant have.. the one you wont have....
Cleaning the floor .... the patterns seem to make no sense ....the patterns seem like they weren't meant to be the way they were...
the cracked floor reminds me of the red oxide floor of my grand parents.. with the floor caving in but people living on
the irrational need to exist and keep hurting one self with faith and belief...
why is it that its important..
why should i be important to me....
why /when / where / how..... how many times does a person use that in a day....
heard him... felt sad... felt incomplete...
don't want it anymore... am afraid...

Crazy

Tripping and falling while walking is something that happens quite often

You drive me crazy .. you drive me crazy
Granls Barkley on my laptop.....

Cant get you outta my head .. kylie on TV
grand canyon in my head ....

paint paint the colors .. red blue green black
the same way always

A trimmed french beard with close cropped hair....
not so close anywhere else......

do you feel better now that you know

can you say it now that its clear to you...

I think i am crazy.... i think i am crazy...
Never gonna see him again...

Animated animated... why so i ask myself

whats with the vibrations....
word words they confuse me .....
Disconnected as the words are they still confuse me...
i really think i am crazy
been here done that.... no so true anymore...
haven't been anywhere anymore....
Knock knock.... i am here..
you ain't...

Sad Sad.. Paint Paint... breath breath... its over... go on... move on...

crazy

Loud/Scream/High

Loud
Louder..

this feels great sitting in front of him...
The sound so clear so new...

the taste of this that was missed

the clarity in the eye

the alcohol in the breath

the silence inside

Scream

Screaming

i love this...... i love.....
the scream dies out.... you stupid fool...
Shut up shut up....
The constant excitement...

High

Higher
the confusion of it all..

all these feeling with its own baggage

the burden of caring them all..
its an illusion to feel these as only the primal is true...
don't understand the need for these.....

Ashy

Climbing up the tree looking for her.... could hear her meow ... she has a horse voice for a kitten of her size.... was tempted to call her Ozzy because of the voice...
an Ash coloured kitten ... she reminds me of my mothers burnt remains..
i wonder why i didn't name her despair... that's what i feel when i look at her..
cant help but love her... in some twisted way she is whats keeping me sane... the reality of the pain that i feel from her lets me know that i am alive
after all that has happened i am not surprised..........

Rambling of an irrational mind

It has always been this way here……. Dunno what I wanna talk about. Something …… something has been bugging me. I think it was the smell the other day it reminded me of something… I can’t really put my finger on it. Something sad.

Five years have passed since then. Life has changed a lot so have I. I can’t recognize myself. Can’t let go can I. was never able to.

The room wasn't a mess but you can’t call it clean either. The table was a mess, newspaper everywhere, handouts that have no purpose anymore. Chocolates, biscuits and something else. They are everywhere, I can smell them. Music in the background…. My kind of music.

For someone who is obsessed about himself it’s impossible to write about anyone else other then himself. I don’t have an imaginative mind; I have heard that before, when I was in school. Why do I always write in first person terms? I need to stop doing that.

Knowing this

Saw a pigeon the other day that had committed suicide.
Knowing this...

After the accident had taken place he was never the same... it wasn't the wound that bothered him so much... rather the pretense that everything is good and right in this world that irritated him.
Its as if everything before the accident didn't exists and that he was alive is the only truth. Part of him felt like something momentous had just happened, and from here on there will be nothing that can stop him from achieving anything that he wanted.
As by now its clear that he was always waiting for something miraculous to happen to him to save him from his plight. Quite common one would say..
But i am digressing....
It was the pretense that his family was portraying that irritated him. Not a very loving family is what he would have said, they felt that he was quite the disappointment
well as most families they had unrealistic expectations from an average boy. he lived up to his capability which obviously was much lower that their expectations.
Not a very easy going person and didn't have any attributes which could be used to make up for lets say 'Lack of Ambition' as his family put it quite often.
He could never understand their inability to see his limits. he was quite astounded to realise one day that his family actually believed that he was consciously trying not to succeed
he was so shocked that he had to ponder on this for three days before he gave a reply to his parents for the accusation.
He said "I am not surprised i turned out this way" ( Not a very bright answer after 3 days you can understand now why the parents were so worried )

Anyway the victim of the accident is not the protagonist of this story.

Its the pigeon that died.

Rebirth

sleep sleep.......
not helping now are you.....
sleep is the only thing i can think of right now
why cant you say something useful now.. i need
help here this cannot go on

we are reaching too far... we can not push any further...
there are limits and we had crossed them a while back
its time to turn.. or we will break loose forever.
i don't want to break loose i never did...
why do you have to be so demanding... i did what you wanted always what you wanted ...
for your pride and ambition... now where are we ..
i will not be here i will not loose this chance...
we are turning back
now now now...

why are you here... why all this trouble.. for what is it that you came here
you had no clue what you were getting yourself into..
i am not responsible for this... i am going ahead...
i am here to break all bonds that hold me to this place. here to break what ever there is or was
there is no escape you cannot hold on to this pathetic existence that you are crying about
all this is to be destroyed and remade.. will be remade.. so that it can be broken again..
and again... be happy for you will see the end of this madness
the end of all madness for the birth of another one.. flee if you want but i will meet you again
we will meet and you will recognise for all time will be remembered
like me all will remember what was lost for what is now..

Nothing is happening..... dunno when he is gonna come here and ruin everything.... why does someone have that power to just walk in and just create a atmosphere of hate in here... always with the opened door....

Walking running standing

i am waiting to see what is to happen to me.... i don't.. i don't know......
standing there in the darkness i was looking at the trains coming into the station....
the mass of people getting in and out of the train...
the noises the people were making....
walking down the street i could see the houses they all seemed the same to me the feeling of tiredness was in all the houses there didn't seem to be any difference between his or his house.... the gates were old the paint was new on a old wall... could see the bumps on the wall made by the unevenness of the cement plastered on them to cover the cracks...

running i love running.... just want be run as fast as i can run so that i can break free of this body just get out of myself.... scream scream..... make a fist run run run run run run run run.....
my feet is aching but i cant stop now .... i can feel that state i feel light i think this time it might just happen ... yeah i can feel it... the darkness before i get free.........

In progress part 2

rubbish that all there is what can i say there seems nothing else to do... was talking the other day about writing something... so loud... why is he talking so loudly... its fucking annoying that people talk about their personal stuff so loudly... it just drive me to the edge... actually its not that serious... its just annoying...
so where was i .... yeah about writing something... i m not a story teller after all... creating a story for example.... a village... whats that... i have no stories about villages

He was walking the other day.... was walking because he had to get to the McDonald's near by..... is he thinking of doing something .... wonder what he will eat there ... he has never eaten here before....

you think that story is going any where.... right now i am surrounded by some idiots who think that they are the true judge of what ever there is..... typical.... i am generalizing now..... i suppose this disease is catching... like what some assholes would say....

like i was saying earlier.... the story that thing that i wrote what is that supposed to be.... 'anything is possible' i can go anywhere with that line...

he could do anything.... he could be thinking of running away, robbery, murder or just eat and walk away...

there are many many other things that he can be thinking of doing....

he might not be thinking of doing anything...

But he is going to do something.... he will be killing himself after the breakfast

that much i am sure of...

Surprising.... i am surprised too........

Wonder why he would want to do that... what could possibly have lead to this beginning i wonder.

Never

Back to square one....
why should one move anywhere...

All this talk on career, future and such bullshit..
dont do anything rash
like i know what to do..
you think i know..

Travel.... cant always do this
learn this learn that..
a year from now...
why why a year from now...

This isnt the place for me...
but i always end up here... every time

Need water, need food..... need life
i dont need this........... i dont care for this Learning

In progress

All there is to say has been said:
Opening......
the screen is black.....
Music --- alternative..... foot steps.... sound like a busy street....
extreme close up..... D ( the close / open sign on the door)
the door opens ... the camera does not move (close up on the shirt)
the person is dressed in a white shirt is lean with a weeks beard and curly hair that need to be cut (looks like its been combed with the hand)
Cut
The view of the restaurant.. its a McDonald's outside andheri station... people trying to catch rickshaws & a best bus trying to enter into the crowded street
Cut
inside McDonald's
Sparsely filled... he is in the queue... teenagers talking in front of him in Hindi....he orders for a Mcchicken Value meal... Rs.117, he takes the Sodexo pass from his pocket and gives Rs. 120,
Waiter: Sir we cannot give you change for Sodexos..

HE: doesn't say anything but indicates with his hand its alright....
Waiter: (hands the tray with the order). Thank you Sir
He takes the tray and searches for the right place to sit... he moves closer to the door and sits facing the Glass Wall to the street outside.

Another Nothing

And here i am screaming and beating the world for what its doing to me....there never seems to be a day where i wasnt doing this...its as though the entire time spent on all these sad issues... Sad here i unimportant frivilous, of no consequence in the overall schem of things...what i am trying to communicate in so many words is that i am sad but the issues are not important... the need the need to have sure ground beneath my feet has grown so much that i cannot ignore that feeling anymore... thats why i am going tomorrow back to the place where i feel surest.... can you believe that surest but never sure feeling... later than what the point in all this eh....

Load of rubbish

was walking down the road then i heard it...
the sound that would be spoken off for the next week....
the gun shots that would kill me was yet to come......
i ran and ran...
where you might ask ... but of course towards that sound... that will free me....

but Little billy was with me... wonder why he is here ...
its the wrong day poor boy... you shouldn't be here..
today i might just be free but you are still too young to be here
its not your day yet son so run along.. go home....
the streets were deserted as most people there were wounded or dead...

this felt like a dream ... its so unreal... the screams.. i couldn't help but smile...
it will happen today i knew it then for sure
there they are with their guns....
but why is he not smiling... cant he see i come in peace just shoot me dude..

why is he crying whats wrong with him... this is what he wanted right so why is he crying...

the cops are coming better do it quick before you are killed buddy..
why are you not shooting .. cmon cmon cmon....
this is not ... this is not.... what is not....
this is not the gun shot rings loud but its not me that falling... damn damn.....

i was supposed to be the one i was supposed to be the one.....
hey billy what are you doing here .. whats with that gun you got there..

i am here because you didn't take care of me... why did you leave me alone...

where are we billy...

here we don't have to worry about guns any more... we are free from everything.. since you set people free...

Limbo

Out here in the dark..
Out here in Space....Nothing can be seen..
Out here in Limbo left here to find a way...
left here to die by the choices i made...

There were not many that could have been made....
are impulsive yes they were impulsive..
the way they always will be ... the right and the wrong...
Always in Limbo because the ignorance is deep...
Ignorance is dee..

No point in worrying .. nothing to do
Nothing that is known...

what should be the next step... accept the laziness...
are you required to prove something...
Prove what?? what?

i am comfortable here ..am i
i am unsure but nothing to harm..
just the fog of ruination...
what has to be done is always forced never subtle
always forced...