Shitty Week

a horrible day..... woke up early to a long list of miscalls and messages.... not many of them where good..waking up to terrible news is the most irritating thing i have had in my life...the people i hate the most..... with information that makes me feel like i hit rock bottom every time...
this feeling of helplessness its shitty...... i hate this feeling ... it makes it so hard for me too work
there is no motivation to do what i do ... why am i doing what i am doing.... i need to act... i can now understand the pressure she is in... the need to find something else something that can keep me going... don't know which issue to solve first ... the Ego, the need, the goal or is it the ability to put in the effort
is this my doctors (the quack) that i wont go to.
its unfair that one should feel this after all the effort you have to put to get here.. you have to put more effort to make this entire experience bearable... why should it be just bearable.....
yeah yeah... cruel world easy to say hard to accept... what do i need to do to be cruel in this cruel world. what can you do?
the entire day felt like one long long long step to tomorrow....
looking forward to a shitty week......
shitty it was but not as bad as i can make it sound...

Lord of the Dumb asses

There and back again... a dumb ass's story....
yeah you guessed right i have been watching Lord of the rings these past few days...
and i think i know what Frodo felt like when he saw mount doom....
the one place on middle earth where no one wants to go... is the one place where we have to go.... yeah i get that Sam
looks like i will be seeing my mordor today.. Wondering how I got caught in all this crap... yeah a huge chunk of it alright
singing my songs that will not help me...
[here Pippin starts singing]
The desk is behind and Crap a head..
and there are other places I'd be in....
Crap and Shadow.... idiots and Sauron..
I'd rather be anywhere else...
Crap and Shadow.... idiots and Sauron...
All shall fail... what a f***ing... Joke....
So singing this i was walking towards mordor wondering when Gollum is gonna f*** me real bad... I wish he could have done the job for me....
but the way things are now.... i might just have a mental breakdown and turn into Gollum... or was that Smegol...
So the protagonist Dumb ass has just arrived at mount doom... where guess what happened.... he was asked to wait...
and wait he did alright... it seems the Mountain wasn't ready to blow up yet....
So he came back the next day wondering whether it will happen today....
he was already in a bad mood... as he realized Gollum just stole his Calvin Kline perfume.... of all the things he is thinking about
his f***ing perfume... Wonder what Gandalf would have thought about him.....
So thinking about this the Dumb ass waited for 45 mins and then entered mount doom ... Alright!!!
And Sauron said... when is the last day... do we have to do this now... yeah f***er do this now... That was Gollum not me... Seriously
Then i drop the ring and the mountain doesn’t explode rather it said i will come back to you about that...
Seriously what the F***!!!!

STOP

looking good.... i am excited....
the fear growing with each passing day...
so is the excitement...
jenny was a friend of mine.....
imagination running wild.... i fear the fall will be as hard as always...
the doors close... the suspicion rises... indifference to be safe...

Island (....birth of an idea)

The old bus was struggling its way through the crowded streets of no where... its the place where everyone wants to be these days .Ever since the discovery of this island in the middle of nowhere, people have been moving in ... Its not the scenic beauty (which it doesn’t have) or the historical heritage or the great economy (both of which it doesn’t have) that brings people here. The place was formed by the accumulation of all the junk in the ocean into one place because of the current. Even I cant believe that bull shit but it turns out that stuff like this is possible...

So here i am in an island whose foundations are based on the garbage that every other country has been pouring out for centuries. In a bus that is ready to die right now surrounded by people in the millions on an island with a maximum capacity of a million. Wondering why are we all attracted to Nowhere. Why do we all leave what we have known all our life to come here... No one comes to no where as a tourist. They come here leaving everything. I know there have been many man made islands made of garbage and other things like that. But why is it when everyone on those islands are miserable with their life.. why is it that they are drawn towards this island that doesn’t offer anything, nothing just the bare minimum... with the highest collection of poor in an area this size. Why?


Been running non-stop for 10 mins now.... since our fight. I came to nowhere because i thought this place was inaccessible... somewhere i wouldn't have to go through the monotony of everyday life. Been here for over a year now.... I smell like the island... they have bus here now... the only bus on the island for transport.. Wonder who would be using transport in the middle of nowhere.

There has been a constant flow of people since April last year when i came to the island... when i came her there were only 500 of us. It was like a community was been formed a chance new civilization.. Like the hippies, but the flow of people didn’t stop.... the people kept pouring in ... all of us where loosing the point in this island.. if all what we left kept following us here what is the point... but going back was impossible... everyone who comes here has burnt that bridge.

Its not the law or something but the journey here changes you permanently in ways that i cannot phantom. The idea of nowhere was the answer that set people free... at least what everyone believed. What you feel from there on doesn’t let you accept anything from your past

Starry Dusty Squishy Sobby

Starry starry night...

boil in my ear... squirming in my bed..
i dont want to go anywhere... indecision... unsettling
run for it.. sleep through it... decide nothing..
looking for something... these aren’t my dreams
never will be... doesn't matter, here and now.


Dusty dusty town....

will miss you, when your gone...
gone.... empty as always... nothing to hold on to...
cold and lonely here here... yeah yeah... breathing in the dust
waiting for the rain that i know will come... clear air ...
breath in the loneliness...

Squishy squishy land....

sinking in all the way... happy and gay over nothing
weird and happy.. ha ha ha whatever
rules creep in... when did that happen.. what is it that limits all of this..
purpose when did it matter... what purpose could i have...
like i care.. purpose overated concept..
you have no purpose.. i have no purpose.. none.... existence


Sobby sobby life....

stripping it down for what its worth
care to know... where it all went... keep imagining..
never did mean anything ... carefree. its the taste of it that
that i loved... would i miss it... yes.. do you want it... no..
you know everything is alright
alright right??

Interesting, fascinating... agreed
i get it now.. whatever i say... i get it... i love it.. what you feel
i feel now... i am happy aren’t you... after everything...
sad, happy, love, jealous, scared, angry, uncertain.... after nothing

starry dusty squishy sobby....

Introspection

Exploding... my brain exploding
the thought of this explodes through me...
All thoughts vanquished...
i scream with this feeling inside me... this
thing i see, hear, feel...

been so long since the last time
all such feelings were felt

whiteness ..... whiteness that's all there is like all existence has been blotted out
Blinding white...
cant think anything of consequence now..
the sound of water near by....
the rush of something...

the whiteness goes away......
A scene of fornication in front
windows to households...
confused ... confusion increasing...
I see myself suspended to watch
as the slow decent from making love to decadence

the pressure increasing on my body
as i think of how the pressure moves across me
the pattern it forms ..
Still confused

looking for the whiteness to comeback for the explosion that i look for everywhere
Need it now...

getting rid of it all , the dust.
looking into the past
sordid as it is
the lies of it all ... reading them the word written by people who only know the lies of this life

Sifting through these, hoping for something to anchor on to
the explosions come with more effort now..
haven't seen one in a long time..
longing for the whiteness to return
whiteness that cannot fade away
New as it can be
different as it all feels

My fingers go the way they wanna

Nostalgia ( what a waste )

the floor is warm because of the sun....
love sitting out here... the smell of warm concrete relaxes me.... reminds me where i am...
the dried leaves from the cherry tree slanting on to the house.. since the last monsoon......

A little moment of peace before the end of it all...
i remember were i lost my toe nail that day....
"well what did you expect when you keep running around like that".... never did like him.. poor old man lost it before the shit hit the fan (as Kurt would have put it)
in fact i haven't felt much for any of my grandparents that died.... i supposed i forced my self by thinking something depressing while they were buried
Waiting for the last one to die... it will put her out of her misery.... i am being kind here....
But none of this is gonna matter .... this is not what today is about...
i have doubts if today will ever happen.... have always been obsessed with the fact that this day would come...

The first time i flunked .... i cried to this wall expecting some miraculous solution to my problems....
the day i lost faith in him i cried to the same wall...
i cried in this tank...... the nights with insomnia i beat this tree...
i walked these walls hoping for the fall..... the one couldn't let myself take...
i remember the day when this place stopped meaning anything to me.....

the tank had water the day we made love in it.... wasn't love actually... it was just sex....
don't know why we did that.... i was never that interested in you....
but that shouldn't matter anyway..... the make shift tent made of coconut leaf to have some privacy....
like cavemen who were gay....
i remember the day when you meant nothing to me....
like these memories... they mean nothing.... i don't feel happiness or remorse for these memories....
what a waste....

Legacy

Pressing my palm on the sand
leaving prints i don't care for...
they are meaningless here...
as the water washes my fingers away
i remember the way my life was washed ...
erased
for there was nothing fruitful that could have come out of it....
This whining victim with his annoying stories
the fool doesn't wanna play no more
your silly games are getting old.
like you .. OLD
thinking things will pass i work on them...
thinking this need to leave a legacy will pass
i hoped and dreamed
whining whining about everything
judging me sitting there
laughing at my choices ... like i am a pitiful fool
building nothing from thin air i sit
and wait....