A week in the middle of nowhere

 Laughing silly to a choking numbness

 Forcing an explosion

 To clear this place I've been stuck in

 Why do happy things 

 turn me sad.

The constant stream

Doesn't change it..

How do I wash it out of my heart 

What do I paint

What am I supposed to feel now

This can't last long

I will move on eventually

I will find something else

I will paint it out of me

Tonight.. as I lay here alone

I am bawling here 

but my eyes are dry

I saw images of a world, 

that I believe would come to pass

I know I am a cynic

but who is to blame

I may be lazy

but I feel too close

too close to the truth

They say that I run 

run from trouble

I know it's true

I miss you, 

Miss you everyday

I want to be with you

be there now

I am bawling here 

with my eyes dry

I want to sleep next to you

Not thinking about this world

Everything will burn down

I don't want to see it

x

I've run the circle

It is building up again...
while days have gone by wallowing.

Obsessing over distractions I dig into clay
blind to whats in front of me.

I seem to be running and digging deep every day
For everything that has changed
nothing really has...
I've run the circle
wishing the illusion continued...

The battle awaits.
Beneath the dread, I hope for the silver lining...
while I don the armor again. 

Running away is not the answer

For two days
I ran
and I hid
I ran
and I hid

Running away is not the answer

This hole is not big enough
Two days is not long enough
There is nowhere to go
I dig and I dig
but there is nowhere to hide

I run and I run
I dig and I dig

Hiding is not an option
Running away is not the answer

I eat and I eat
and yet I am empty

I run and I run
I dig and I dig
I eat and I eat

I am empty and there is no escape
Running away is not the answer

Hide

Your truthful words made me hide in shame..
Your words were pure and true
only reflecting what I love about you..
But love I hide now in shame.. 
I am greedy
Unprincipled
Self-centered
.....
So I hide

Tar

Violent madness the sort accompanied by wails and screams..
No calm emptiness of a lobotomy to free.
Just thoughts that pour like boiling tar through me...
Enough enough!!

Porcelain

Scorched earth and pouring rain
From both, shade I seek.
This withered tree is all I see
So over the cliff I run
Hoping for a quick respite.
A world this cruel
A life this fragile

Conversation in the absence of words

The beads of sweat..
whispers a wish for shade.
The feigned interest in the fish-eye stare
murmurs of masked disgust.
The furrowed crinkle
rustle the doubts within me.
The rumour of a smirk
sighs curses from afar.

At sea

Burning behind my eyes
A tightness squeezes my head
tired thoughts swim
A sea of fire and ash

Hollow

Wallow
how long will i wallow?
Shallow

How shallow can I be?

Hollow

As hollow as drift wood?

Callow

Would i ever learn? 

Impotent

I am bored of this game...
My heart is too tired..
This stoic resignation is all I have..
watching you run around in the dark, I sit impotent.

As I crush my dignity with guilt and insecurity.
Unable to squash my ego I wait for annihilation.
Impotent to bring it upon myself, I watch you run around in the dark.

I cannot look you in the eye, all I see is myself falling from grace.
As I fall I scream at my impotence.
So silently I urge you to push me.

towards the end

The shadow lay dark across the landscape...
my mind has been shrouded in defeat.
There are no prophecies to say that green things will grow  once again.
This mind has been burned and smashed.
It is now barren and covered in ashes.

There are no prayers to save me..
or songs to soothe.
No words to give false hope,
only the waking dream that needs to end. 

Phone

Quietly i wait for you to spring to life
with my hopes on you i wait for my chance escape.
the cooing  birds outside say that spring is here
but i wait for you to ring my winter away.
I feel you hoping... hoping
when will you ring and take me away. 

Proof..

My chest rises as I suck in air...
I see myself breathing...
I have to believe that I am alive..
There is no other proof for this..
Is breathing alone proof that I live?
Can I really say that there is life in this body...
I ask you for proof...
I need a proof...
Is my breath of any value to you?
Prove to me, I exist..
Like a planet faraway, with water...
Should I presume there is life?
Is my breath not but water in that planet...

Stinks

You stink of cum...
You stink of distraction...
You stink of yesterday...
You stink of old defeats...
You stink of disappointment...
You stink of doubts..
You reek...
Your smile doesn't hide the stink in your heart..
Your nights stink of fear and heart break...
The stink of hatred is all over you...
You stink of cum... 

Fear

I fear I don't know what you want from me..
I fear I don't know what I want for myself..
I fear a lot these days...
Back to the dark days...
sleepless and hollow nights...

Anchor

I need the world to tell me... what to listen to.. to read... to watch..
have googled the Best list for today..
have lost some of my self.. in this accident...
been stationary for too long... everything has moved so fast..
feeling the relevance of my existence diminish with my every breath...
what holds me here? My anchor what do i do?...

My anchor saves me.. sustains me.. i am alive for and because of my anchor...
where do i go?

The Hammer

Its so heavy that it might slip away any minute...
As i swing i can feel it slip a little...
Can u feel the weight of it..
I can feel the heat rising in my palm..
Can you feel the pain...
Can you feel the hardness of the wood... the roughness...
I can feel the splinters enter my flesh...
Can you feel the impact..
I can feel my arms vibrate..
Can you feel the ground shaking..
Can you hear me scream..
Can you see my tears..
I can feel the blood pounding in my ears...
I can see my arm turn red from the effort...
Can you see the wall cracking... can you see through the cracks...  

I cannot stay here

Splendid shining crazy sun.. you are blinding me with your beauty...
I fear that you will not be the same... everyday i loose the feeling... you are not as beautiful as you were yesterday...

I should not be here... your too perfect... who will i blame if i stay here... what excuses will i give for my failures...
you are prettier than i could ever capture...

we are awake

Sooooooo we wake to another day of cloudy sky's .... Pang pangs... The air shimmers with memories that don't make sense....

We wake up to a sunny day.... Breath in the fresh air... Rested and in the arms of a1000 suns...

We wake up again... Blinding light and confusion... Sound of the alarm... Dread and hesitation... Denying this day.... Roll up

We wake up... There is this hole... This deep hole that needs to be filled urgently... What do we fill this hole with... Emptiness

We wake up again... There is much to accomplish.. Plans to fulfil activities to be completed.... Boxes to be checked...

Sun shining ... Blinding.... Happy... Warm... Hot... Exhilarating
Cloudy... Raining... Windy... Empty... Sad... Indecisive...

We wake up again... What do you see...