BURN

Face flat on the table.. i wonder what i am looking at..... head throbbing i wonder what i have been up to... all day
with no memory.. i don't wanna remember anything....
facing you i wonder what i was thinking... the little heart burns that shouldn't matter now they seem to... sleeping
with my eyes opened.. my mind closed i will never force my thoughts... open i am not to you...
random as before i ramble on... living life assuming control... but never conscious of the lack of it... am here for
you... been in my thoughts ....
off vocal songs playing in my head....
let it remain incomplete... haven't understood this yet...

Randomness

There will always be a loving family... never incomplete but different...do you want that responsibility, i don't know there is no second chances in this is there...
Freak out... walking down the street.... breaking the law.. anger and impatience... the lies that i lived with...
Angry.. angry..... i loath this.... walking down the street breaking the law.... burn...
violence... move ... don't stay still.... stamp.. stamp.... scream... scream....
angry.... swing... aiming for the star... you can destroy the world.. today...
wipe the slate clean.... nothing left to write...
hopping hopping... say it again....say it again... i wanna laugh now....
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... i am dieing.... ha ha ha ah ah ah....
where is my guitar.... smash it... i wanna hear it ... smash it... i wanna hear it.... beat the world with it..
where is my morning rainbow.... erase this morning ....
pause pause pause, ready for another day. the winter doesn't seem to end.
waiting for you to hear me scream. do it now. burn the world.
Faster and faster, i am here to save you. Ha
the cold ground is shaking below my feet, running over me will not change that.
Can you see the light, the hybrid rainbow the pillow is talking about. References.
can you feel it.
i need to call them tomorrow... for they have what you want.
i was at a funny funeral the other day after the depressing wedding. thought of you and cried. you weren't there to hear me say the words.

Of no fixed direction or purpose

been a long time.... people are passing by getting older... so am i...
jumping here in one spot in Aug 1983... i think why am i here now.... something to fall back on...
something to ponder about.. i don't usually think of anything substantial... something that can be the answer or led to a question..
reminding me of the old times...
heard about everything that has happened these past few months... didn't want to be judged so didn't say a word..
missing something...
took things too seriously... not so serious....
watched something... moving on now...
Canti sama what should i do???
feel like holding on to the ledge with a finger...... i want to let go... whats happening
uncomfortable.... threatening me .... smashing it all.....
inertia... cant move from here... he wants to document this.... i want to too...

The Meadow

there was a plain...
rolling in the grass... the wind blew in hard... as the storm clouds got closer
tumbling down the smooth grass..... laughing in joy lost in happiness....
getting colder by the minute... the open spaces.... filling me with warm feeling.... laughing i couldn't stop.....
the first drops of rain began to fall.... screaming with childish happiness.... i ran indoor..... wanna play outside but the rain was getting stronger as lightning struck the tree outside.... the world in yellow....

i am shaking with fear.....

an afternoon....in the shade

Hammer sounding loud ... beating it... louder and louder the sound traveling through the empty rooms...
the echos drowning all thought out of my head.. why why why why why....
walking on the railing... watching them work below him.... listening to spider learn to love..... no one here will help me now... they cant..
the sound of kids running on the roof... the roof will fall yells the grandma.... drowning in the well... look at the world from under the water... so far so small... happy i cant see your face...
the depths attracts me.. as the pressure crushes me ... my eye red... i look in for help....
Climbing up... shaking the leaves down... my companion color blind... we climb to see the edge of our little world....
as stones pursue our paths... ignoring them... i see the end of this little world under me... the fruit of it around me..
the wind silences everything... me you the world...

John (can't seem to complete anything...)

I need

Looking into these dark pools i wonder what is this that we long for....

Disturbing this feeling of being incomplete..... The easy discomfort over the unknown future....

John was never one of those people who was interested in these discussions... the trivial nature of it all he could never understand them.... never seems to understand the obsession that people had in fear love jealousy these were emotions that was beyond his understanding.... these emotions were not required for existence or for survival...
In fact by the evidence that he has come across his life they make life much harder than it need to be....


Thinking this he was walking down the street with cars zipping by him at 120 kmh .... he doesn’t travel by vehicle.... his parents think this has something to do with the his motion sickness.... but it has nothing to do with that... urge to jump out of a moving vehicle is uncontrollable.... his parents always believed that he tries to climb out of a vehicle so that he can puke or.. get some air so that he doesn’t puke... its not that he is suicidal by nature or depressed as by now you should have figured it out he is not emotional in anyway to be depressed by anything as such... this is the only irrational or impulsive act that he does.. He hasn’t figured the reason behind this yet... but this will be revealed in due course he is sure of that... the feeling is almost romantic... like the touch of a man soft and tender right behind his ear...

It takes hold of him... it beats him on the wall... rolls on the ground..... Feels the world exploding inside him...

Tastes like fear

whats that smell.... tastes like fear, sorrow....
thank you for love... Smear it all around love
thank you... cant take it anymore.... hovering over me and you i wonder..
Smelling the fragrances that you bring in here..... it might be over
before i realize the fear takes hold of me...
gunning it all... the bullet holes bleeding...
why is the wall crying i ask..... red the color of tears
loosing the fire within... lost while my dreams were still young...
the assembly line of my heart with its heartless machine....
the soulless dolls working... dreaming for the happiness lost in all my effort...
can feel the urge to gather all of my life and run... escape my fate....
the empty cabin were i look at whats happened to my dream.....
the taste of fear in my mouth reminds me to keep running.... this is not for me....
Searching for the words.... the cure for this loss
never knew whats happening out there... i am so elated
the fear knocks me out of my senses.... need the cure
screaming i can hear all of it... clearly as rain... the pain...
trying to wash the taste away .... i am taking in my pharmacy...
the bubbles in my hand.... the slowness of it all doesn't seem to change the feeling...
rolling down the steps ... bouncing bouncing.... the taste changes why am i crying.. i ask my self.... but cant think of anything now....
let the good times roll.... with the taste of fear....